The Insanity of Trapped Characters
by CrazzieAddict06
Summary: Who Trapped the H.P. Characters??!?!?! I DID! But what happens when they are INSANELY Random? Play Strip Poker? Do CRAZY Dares? Reveal Secrets? And Drink Booze???........THIS FANFICTION! (pg13, for bigtime inapropriate-ness and language)may change later.
1. The Randomness Has Begun!

Random Harry Potter Characters Say..Random Shit. (VOTE ONE OFF!)  
  
The First Author's Note: This Fanfiction is rated R (too lazy to change the original rating so im just warning u now). There will be inappropriate subjects, and stronger language as the story procedes. Chappies 1 and 2 are fairly appropriate, but there'll be inappropriate goodness to come in later chapters. If this is going to bother you, then don't say I didn't warn you, or don't flame me for it. Hopefully those of you who can handle it, find it humorous! Read on. ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: YOU SILLY BOTTLE OF LAUNDRY DETERGENT! OF COURSE THESE CHARACTERS ARENT MINE!!!! (They are JK Rowlings, and lucky for me I have been graced w/the opportunity to make them say random shit.)  
  
A/N: Brackets [ ] indicates a persons actions. People may have done this before, but its fun, and I enjoy it!!! And if you think this fic is stupid, hell, you may be right, im overtired, and kinda hyper, soooo.leave the insane alone!  
  
Hi Welcome to "Random Harry Potter Characters Say.Random Shit" Show.(RHPCSRS) I am your host, the author of this fanfic. AKA Jasmine AKA CrazzieAddict06, but you can just call me Admiral J!!! I have managed to summon many random Harry Potter Characters and confine them in the safety of the Hufflepuff Girls Dormitories. Lets see what happens when they all meet up!  
  
Oh and here's the catch, which ever one you hate the most, write it down in the review, and whichever gets picked the most, gets voted of the RHPCSRS Show, and will be announced if readers wish to have another chapter.  
  
:::Enter the Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit::: Draco Malfoy, Hagrid, A Dementor, James Potter, Harry Potter, Hermione, Molly Weasley, Severus Snape, Lavender Brown, McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Voldie, Gilderoy Lockhart, Sirius Black, Dumbly.and that's all that could fit.  
  
A/N: I hear chat method is banned, but this is not a chat format, it is simply an eaier way to write down what the caracters are sayin w/out getting all confused and such. So if this offends anyone for whatever reason.I'm sorry?So don't flame me or w/e.  
  
~*~*~**~*~*~**~*~*~**~**~*~*~*~  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [look around puzzled] WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?  
  
Admiral J: The Hufflepuff Girls Dormitories, Were I have sucessfully managed to gather all you poor pitiful characters and make you all say random shit, so these readers get the privilage of voting one of you off.  
  
Remmie: But none of us are in Hufflepuff. Sheez, half of us don't even go to Hogwarts, and Sirius here died in Book 5. What the hell is with you people?  
  
Admiral J: I can do whatever I want, Remi. For instance, do 500 Jumping Jacks while speaking Swahili.  
  
[Lupin does 500 jumpin jacks while speaking the Swahili language]  
  
Admiral J: Good Werewolf!!!  
  
Sirius: I resented that Moony. But if you must know something, I have a really odd liking for Cattle. [grins happily, then shrugs]  
  
Lockhart: Great.[Looks in Mirror] I'm a sexy beast.Yeah, Baby! Shagadellic!!!!!! Hey Voldie [Winks] How YOU doin?  
  
Voldie: Just groovy Baby, You wanna go back to my pad and shag? Oh HOLY SHIT!!! Wheres my mojo? [Searches frantically]  
  
[Hagrid runs around like a little girl who just got a pet jelly fish from her step-dad in Wyoming, dangling a vile of Voldies Mojo on a silver platinum chain] Na nah ne poo poo you silly mortie mort you!  
  
Voldie: Ah, screw the Mojo.Lets go, Gilderoy-baby. We'll have a Swingin time.  
  
Admiral J: Sorry 'Mortster, but this isn't going to be a gay-slash fic, just sit down and be a good random boy like your told.  
  
Voldie: But.its not my fault! You're the one that told me Santa Clause was really a turkey vulture dressed up in a jolly red suit!!!  
  
Dementor: [Pulls something out of its robe, a jewelery box] Sirus Black.Will you Marry Me?  
  
Sirius: [Looks awe stricken and terribly stunned] Only if this deal involves a large sum of cattle.  
  
Dementor: So are you declining my offer?  
  
Sirius: Is there cattle involved?  
  
Dementor: [Cries]No. Just my Love.  
  
Sirius: Then no. Well.Sorry Admirial J, but I'm off to find some cattle. I want to make my own hamburgers and try and put those damn people at Wendys out of buisness.  
  
Admiral J: Sorry, No can do, Padfoot, your stuck in the Hufflepuff Dorm until I say so.  
  
Sirius and Cinderella: And when will that be?  
  
Admiral J: Whenever I get tired of writing this fanfiction, and eventually pass out at the keyboard. And what the hell is Cinderella doing here!?!?!  
  
Cinderella: I thought I'd stop by for some crumpets, eh? .Well I do hope you pass out, Bitch!  
  
Draco: Whoa! Its Cinderella! Can I have your autograph?  
  
[Cinderella signs a piece of parchment for the young malfoy]  
  
~*~A/N: No you cannot vote off Cinderella, sorry!~*~  
  
Draco: I think you are hott you know..  
  
Cinderella: I'm a fucken Walt Disney Character, for God's sakes, damnit Malfoy, get a life!!!! [Apparates]  
  
Sirus: No fair.how come she can leave?  
  
Admiral J: Because I said so, and I never was quite fond of that movie anyway. [Hands Sirius a bag of cat litter]  
  
Sirius: YAY!!!!!  
  
Voldie: Molly Weasley isn't talking, Admiral. Make her talk! And Hagrid still has my mojo!!!! [whimpers]  
  
Hermione: You are a lame ass dark lord.  
  
Voldie: You wanna snog, 'mione?..It wouldn't be considered gay-slash [gives glance at Jasmine (which is me, if you've forgotten my actual name)]  
  
Hermione: That's sick, Voldster.I'd rather combust into flames and then get eaten alive by Professor Mcgonagall.  
  
Mcgonagall: Take that back young lady.500 points from Gryffindor.  
  
Hermione: Asshole, you just took 500 points from your own house. Digbat!  
  
James Potter: [says to Harry] Do you have any idea whats going on?  
  
Harry: **Shrugs** I dunno, Pops, But I think it would be wise if we spontaneously poked Madam Hooch with a twig.  
  
James: Madam Hooch isnt here.  
  
[Madam Hooch suddenly appears in the room]  
  
James: On the other hand, here son, have a twig.Lets go poke her.  
  
[The father and son then indeed poke madam hooch with a twig]  
  
Hooch: Bloody Hell.[rubs arm where she was poked then apparates away, even though it is not possible to do so on Hogwarts Grounds]  
  
Sirius: You let her leave too? Wut the hell is wrong with you? [growls]  
  
Admiral J: Only because I hate that woman, her hair really bothers me.  
  
Sirius: Yes.We should all shave her head later..Shouldn't we?  
  
[All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit nod in agreement]  
  
Admiral J: Sevvie and Dumbledoor.You haven't spoken all evening.I command you both to do so now.  
  
Dumbly: Tee Hee.I can't help it if I'm a little ballerina named Lissa!!!! C'mon Sevvie!! Lets dance!  
  
Severus: Are you feeling.erm alright, Headmaster?  
  
Dumbly: Oh Just fine!!! Please Snivellus, Join me in a dance.  
  
James: Hey, Bitch! That's my nickname for hiM!  
  
[Dumbs and Sev start to do a polkish waltz and soon the telephone rings]  
  
Remmie: Since when do we have a muggle telephone in Hogwarts!?  
  
Admiral J: Remus! Why the hell do you always have to go and ruin the randomness.More Jumpin Jacks, Wolf-boy. And you.Lavender Brown, get that phone now, Miss-I'm-A-Prissy-Ass-Hogwarts-Student-Who-Fancies-Firemen!  
  
Lavender: [looks confused]Hello  
  
Voice on Other Line: Hi! This is that man from the Verizon Wireless Commerical.Can you hear me now?  
  
Lavender: Hey there sexy.How about we go out for a butterbeer sometime?  
  
Verizon Man: [screams so loudly that everyone can hear] Mi madre es una coneja!  
  
Lockhart: What did he just say?  
  
Sirius: he said "My Mother is a Rabbit'  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Shrug]  
  
Sirius: Hey.Molly.do I look like Shakira?  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Voldie: See Admiral! That Skank wont talk!!! Make her talk!!!! [Sobs] My mojo, that damn half giants got my mojo!  
  
Hagrid: Nah ne nah nee pooh pooh, I got the Dark Lord's Mojo! [Does a little skipping movement and announces that he is Pregnant!]  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Blank Stare]  
  
Dementor: [Still sobbing, holding the engagement ring]  
  
James: WTF is going on!  
  
Harry and Hermione: BRrrrrrrrrmmmm! Wahoooo Look! Were little red racecars!!!!! BRRRMMMM brmmmm zooom!!!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Another Blank Stare]  
  
Remmie: whats with all the Blank Stares.Its really stupid, and I'm serious.  
  
Sirius: No..i  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: WE KNOW WE KNOW. Must the author always feel the need to add in this stupid joke, and these stupid interuptions for the fanfictions sake!  
  
Sirius: [Looks dissapointed]  
  
Admrial J: Your right, its stupid, but hell.Why not, right? [Slaps Molly Weasley]  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Sirius: Look, no offense but can we go home now?..I want to find some cattle.  
  
James: Yea.Seriously.  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit(except james): Don't start that again, James!!  
  
Admiral J: No No.You are stuck here until the readers give me some reviews. Your fate, is in their hands. So rememeber readers, the one you don't want to see on this fic anymore.VOTE EM OFF. And don't forget to R&R.but try n be nice.after all I'm just an overly tired hyper harry potter fan [grins]  
  
Admiral J:[says to Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit] I see Madam Hooch.in that corner!! Get your razors and lets shaver her head!!!!!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit:[charge]And remember folks, R&R!!!  
  
Admiral J: Ok.one last insty bitsy thing. Do please continue to the next chapters. Ahead lies:  
  
* More randomness(in ALL chapters o'course!)  
  
*A Game of Strip Poker  
  
*RIDDICULUS Dares  
  
*Surprising deaths (but don't worry they aint that sad at all!)  
  
*Invasion of their diaries  
  
*Bonfire Fun and Sacrifices! 


	2. Return of the Randomness

WELCOME BACK TO..  
The 'Random Harry Potter Characters Say. Random Shit.' Show!!!!!  
  
Where we last left our heroes: They were stranded in the Hufflepuff Girls Dormitories with no means of escape until voters decide who gets kicked off..This should be another interesting trip everyone, lets get the show started!!!  
  
Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all the Harry Potter Characters. (Talk about stating the obvious.)  
  
A/N: Just more insanity from Admiral J (Me, 'Jasmine') And all the Others I trapped. Shoutout: OUA---Thankx for readin this, and getting me addicted to fanfic.net! Saved me from boredom this summer!  
  
Same Gang as Last Time: Draco, Hagrid, A Dementor, James Potter, Harry Potter, Hermione, Molly Weasley, Snape, Lavender, McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Voldie, Sirius, and Dumbly.Which one is least liked, and gets to leave the room? Well we have to find out!  
  
~*~*~*~ Voldemort: I like evil. Bring out the "Laser beam".Mini Me, Mr. Bigglesworth, come here.  
  
Hermione: You crazy git! Now your acting like Doctor Evil, you're taking this Austin Powers theme too far.its sick.  
  
Voldie: [Looks hurt] Awe, Baby..BEHAVE! [Winks].  
  
Dementor: Sirius Black..Will you be the father of my children?  
  
Sirius: [Faints]  
  
Luckily I can make people recover from shock in an instant so everybody can see his answer.  
  
Sirius: [Magically Recovers] Havent you learned anything you stupid dementor! I don't want to marry you, nether the less have children with you! .Damnit.I just want to sit on my porch and photograph some cattle!!!  
  
Dementor: YOU bitch!  
  
Remmie: Okay, Admiral J, this is following the same plot line as the other.don't you think you could add a little spice to the fic.it's the same stuff. Austin Powers, Proposing to Siri.its getting old.  
  
Admiral J: [makes angry face] LUPIN!!!!!!  
  
Draco: Actually he's right.  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Nod]  
  
Admiral J: Fine you want spice.heres some spice for ya!  
  
[All of a sudden Large shakers of Hot Pepper, Peprika, Oregeno and Basil charge in the door of the Hufflepuff Girls dormitories]  
  
Peprika:[Blushes] Hey Remmie.Lookin Good, in the neighborhood!  
  
Remmie: That's the Applebees Slogan you asshole. [Punches the Peprika square in the.shaker?]  
  
[Other spices sit down scared of Remmie, the Oregeno, playfully toying with Snapes hair]  
  
Snape: Oh Oregeno shaker.Teee Hee.you're making me blush!  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Dumbly: This is getting stupid, I can't stand the Suspense.who is getting voted off???  
  
Admiral J: Dim the Lights please.  
  
[No one moves]  
  
Admiral J: Damnit James Potter, Dim the fricken lights!  
  
[Lights Dim]  
  
Admiral J: Drumroll please.  
  
Lavender: [Sneezes] Achoo!  
  
Admiral J: No time to be picky.good enough. AND THE PERSON WHO IS VOTED OFF AND NEVER GETS TO COME BACK HERE BECAUSE WE HATE HIM...IS..  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: I HOPE ITS ME!  
  
Admiral J: HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!! Thank you Mister Potter for playin this game with us! YOU were voted off because you are a deficeit, arrogant attention hog. (A/N don't kill me potter fans, Im jus playin around, Harrys a cool cat) You have a book about you.5 actually, and its time to stop hogging the fame.  
  
Hagrid: Why did yer eliminate 'Arry. I love dat boy like 'e was my own, yer bastard.  
  
Sirius: No offense, Admiral J.But you suck at the Hagrid accent thing.  
  
Admiral J: [Turns Sirius into a tie-dye colored parakeet!]  
  
Sirius: that was uncalled for!!!! [chirps]  
  
Admiral J: hahhahahahaha!!!!  
  
Remmie: Hey.That's my Best Friend!!! Oohh yummy.a digested popsicle stick!  
  
Admiral J: Lets add a twist to this game, shall we?  
  
Sirius: Can you turn me back into a damn human?  
  
Admiral J: Hummm.would you get me a year's subscription to a Boyscout magazine if I did?  
  
Sirius: Sure.Tee Hee.Cattle! Cattle! Cattle!![Hums: Home Home on the Range.where the deer and the antelope pay.where seldom is heard.]  
  
Remmie: YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE ADMIRAL J!! he's a BIRD! He cannot sing songs such as home on the range!!!  
  
Admiral J: Will you stop making sense out of everything, Moony!! [Turns Sirius back to human form]  
  
Draco: What is this twist you are talking about?  
  
Admiral J: Well I was either thinkin, a Kareoke contest, or perhaps a dating matchup! Either that or we can gather round and play truth or dare, like other Fanfic authors do when they cant think of anything else to make their characters say.  
  
Voldie: Why don't we let the reviewers decide? Or why not do all of them, or why not just think up an original idea for a game?  
  
Admiral J: I am going to start calling everybody by their last names!! YAY! If I am not already doing so! AHHAHAHHAHAHAH.WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE [Crashes into tree.]  
  
Granger: Ooooh I can't help it if I'm a buisness man that likes to read porno slash fics of myself and the basilisk!!!! Don't you think so; Snapey- Wapey-Lovey-Pooh?  
  
Lupin: over share, Granger.overshare! [Turns into werewolf form, and kills Molly Weasley]  
  
Weasley:  
  
Black: Can you stop referring to us by our last name! I feel like a speedboat salesmen with a heroine addiction.  
  
Admiral J: No Black.I'll do whatever the hell I want. And Who the fuck sells speedboats?  
  
Black: Me.Its my side job aside from admiring cattle. [Shrugs]  
  
Admiral J: Neat.I once shared an apple juicebox with a speedboat once.It was odd.  
  
Weasley:  
  
Potter (james): I thought that woman was dead.  
  
Lupin: Me too, Prongs.Me too.  
  
The Weather Man: Todays weather will be party sunny and variably warm, the humidity factor will be around 45%. There is a slight chance of rain showers in the PM due to an incoming cold front.  
  
McGonagall: For Heavens Sake! Admrial J! There is local newscast weatherman here! Good Riddance! How did this happen.  
  
The Weather Man: I.I.All I wanted for Christmas was my two front teeth!!! [Sobs]  
  
McGonagall: [Sobs too] Me too!!!!! [Runs and embraces the weatherman as they start making out]  
  
Granger: I NEVER wanted to see that in my life!!.actually speaking of Selfish egotistical Satanists.  
  
Lcokhart: Just so you know.I am in the game still.the author just didn't feel like making me say anything!  
  
Malfoy: Can we please play a game!  
  
Admiral J: Yes.of course snuckums![Pulls Draco's ear] Plus I'm getting sick of reffering to you all by last names.  
  
Brad Pitt: [Waves]  
  
Voldie: What are YOU doing in the Hufflepuff Girls Dormitories, baby? Lookin for someone to shag with? Awee.fuck.I still don't have my mojo!  
  
Brad Pitt: [Waves]  
  
Admiral J: OKAY.Who invited Mr.Pitt?  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Shrug]  
  
Dementor: SHOPLIFTING.  
  
Brad Pitt: Okay.Lets Go, Dementor!! [Waves]  
  
Admiral J: NO! NO way in hell are you going shoplifting with Brad Pitt. You are stuck here in this room just like everybody else I am holding captive.  
  
Brad Pitt: [Waves then Apparates]  
  
Hagrid: Yer know, I haffent said an'thin fer awhile in this fic.Why is dat, Admiral?  
  
Admiral J: Because I can never talk like you. You talk so weird.damnit.  
  
Draco: I thought you said that we were going to play a game! [Sobs]  
  
Voldie: POKEMON for Gameboy Advance!!!!  
  
Admiral J: Erm.No.Sorry 'Mort. How about.Strip poker!!!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit:: [Nod in agreement, because I forced them too]  
  
Admiral J: [Conjures up a table and a deck of playing cards made by house elves in cotton vests]  
  
[Mcgonagall is still snogging with the Weatherman, but had stopped at the idea of strip poker, and smiled]  
  
Hagrid: How do yer play Strip Poker?  
  
Admiral J: Its Poker.Then you strip. Or you Strip.While Playing Poker. Or you Poke her, while playing strip.Or You Strip a Poker.Or..  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: WE GET IT!  
  
Admiral J: Okay.I'll deal out the cards. [Deals out the cards]. Actually. To make this game.more exciting, when you loose, you not only have to strip.but do a completley bogus dare!! Mwuahaha.  
  
Sirius: Well. all of the Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit have decided that we are to leave you hanging as to WHO will strip. WHAT they'll wear, and if the crazy Author is bullshitting you and were just going to sit around discussing gorillas.  
  
Admiral J: That's NOT true. I'm Not Bullshitting. Come see who does what insane dare! And if you have any ideas or suggestions for something you want me to make these poor characters do.Im open for suggestions so R&R  
  
Sirius: And if any of you have some cattle.I'd like a picture please [Smiles Innocently]  
  
Remmie: Can you two just shut up with this exgaggerated goodbye phase and let the readers, review and/or go on with their lives?  
  
Admiral J: Leave it to Remmie to ruin our fun! Goodbye; and We'll see you next time on The Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit Show!!! 


	3. Let's Have a Strip Down!

Chapter Three- Lets Have a Strip Down!  
  
ITS TIME FOR STRIP POKER, WITH THE.  
Random Harry Potter Characters that say Random Shit!  
  
Disclaimer: You know the characters, and you know very well that they belong to JK Rowling.  
  
A/N: Harry may have been eliminated last chapter, but the rest are Back! And ready for more randomness and yes.A Game of STRIP POKER!!!!!!!! And this is your Host Jasmie, also known as ADMIRAL J !!!!  
  
Here's the Rowdy Gang of Strippers! :::Enter the Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit::: Draco Malfoy, Hagrid, A Dementor, James Potter, Hermione, Molly Weasley, Severus Snape, Lavender Brown, McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Voldie, Gilderoy Lockhart, Sirius Black, Dumbly.  
  
The cards have been dealt.so lets play!  
  
~*~*~*~*~ It was a quiet night, but of course none of the characters would know this, Having been couped up with me Admrial J for the past two chapters. And now it came down to a game of strip poker in the Hufflepuff Dorms. However, Admiral J decided to switch this peaceful story time format with an easier to read method. No its not a chat one (b/c that's banned) Just characters saying stuff. =)  
  
Lockhart: [Looks at his hand of cards---HOLY MOTHER FUCKERS! A ROYAL FLUSH!] Eh this hand sucks.give me 4 cards. [Takes out pocket mirror] Im one hott mamma!!!!  
  
Admiral J: Riiighhht. Everyone ready, got your cards.  
  
[All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit put down their cards, to reveal the hand they ended up with. Hermione one with four queens, and Lockhart lost with a pair of twos]  
  
Admiral J: You know what this means, don't you, Lockhart?  
  
Lockhart: [Smiles widely] Yes.I love my self. I mean yes.I do.  
  
Percy Weasley: [waves] I erm.I heard Lockhart was to be strutting his stuff so I came by to .watch.  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Voldie: That's not shagadellic Perce', crikey.  
  
Sirius: Okay this shit aint random enough. DAMNIT IM A LONE COWBOY SEARCHING FOR THE ANSWERS TO A JIGSAW PUZZLE THAT MY GRAMS GAVE ME ON MY 7TH BIRTHDAY!  
  
~*~*~ Lockharts Strip~*~*~  
  
A/N: The dementor volenteered to be the DJ since it couldn't strip on account of it had no flesh what so ever.  
  
[Dementor puts a CD in the Muggle Stereo, which he stole from Brad Pitt, and Nsyncs song POP came on.Then the author threw up. (okay don't flame me for that, I meant no offense)]  
  
Lockhart started dancing rather foolishly.  
  
Lockhart: CYANIDE!! WAHOOO BY CRIKEY!! IT'S CYANIDE POISONING!!! [Breaks into a mad fit of giggles and removes a silky red bra that he was wearing]  
  
Dumbly: LOCKHART! BY GOD THAT'S DISQUSTING!  
  
Lockhart: Shall we shag now? Or shag later?  
  
Voldie: Oh no you don't you imposter!!! I am the only one allowed to Imitate Austin Powers here!  
  
Admiral J: He's right. Sorry Lockhart ((((AVADA KEDAVERA!!!))))  
  
[Lockhart falls to the floor in a silky red bra]  
  
Percy: Why did you guys to that.[Cries].I'm off to the gay bar!  
  
Sirius: Admiral.This is getting boring, nobodys done a dare yet, why not just pick people out of a hat (or something like that) to strip, then give them a dare?  
  
Admiral J: That's a terribly sick, perverted thing for you to say, Black.But I probably would have sugguested it too [Shrugs]  
  
Sirius: [Shrugs]  
  
Admiral J:.Okay.Hermione!!! dare somebody that you'd like to see strip! Oh, and all you people cannnot pick the Author, because she said so!  
  
A Priest: I interrupt this game in the sake of Christ our Saviour, and have come to preach you his word!!!  
  
Lavender: ooooooh aaaaaaah..a priest. [Spits on the man]  
  
A Priest: The Bible has been the word, the light and the truth to people like myself, who have meandered the paths before him in search of the Promise of God. You are known and loved by the Trinity, and God himself has handpicked you from his garden!  
  
(A/N: im a catholic and very religious myself, this was not meant to be offensive, nor any of this on the matter, I am sorry if you find it to be so)  
  
McGonagall: Would you like to play strip poker with us?.Mione, pick the first stripper!  
  
Priest: [Looks delighted]  
  
'Mione: That'd be you, Professor McGonagall.  
  
~*~Minerva's Strip!*~  
  
[Dementor puts on the tune of "Its Getting Hot in Here" By Nelly.]  
  
McGonagall willingly started dancing, and soon as you know it, had stripped straight down to the most embarassing display of men's mickey mouse breifs All the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit had ever seen!  
  
__________________ ( A/N : That was space to fill in any exotic, passionate, downright perverted thoughts that the author is too lazy to write.  
  
However McGonagall seemed to take no notice that her underware had revolted the whole intire room, and was currently pouring Listerine Mouthwash over the Priests head, which caused him to get furious.  
  
Then I, the Author had to recommend the preist to leave.  
  
A Priest: GOD BLESS YE SOULS!!! [Preist exits scene]  
  
~*~Minerva's Dare~*~  
  
Draco: Okay Admiral.Lets give her a dare!  
  
Admiral J: Put a sock in it Mafloy. There's no way I'm letting you help. Hummmmmmmmmmmm [ponders]  
  
Sevvie: How about she has a snogging session with an umbrella.  
  
Admiral J: **Rolls eyes** DUNG BEETLES!!!!![Smiles Sweetly]  
  
Voldie: That's the dare, you shagadellic rodent?  
  
Admiral J: That made no sense, and no. Minerva. I dare you.To .SNOG FAWKES THE PHEONIX FOR 5 MINUTES.  
  
Dumbly: WHY I SHOULD KILL YOU FOR THIS.Fawkes is a pheonix! She can't snog.[Laughs to himself]  
  
Voldie: Oh Yes Ablus, Fawkes can snog. Fawkes can snog very good.  
  
Dumbly: You've made out with my pet???  
  
Voldie: It was.shagadellic.  
  
Admiral J: Summon the pheonix! [Pheonix is summoned] Okay Minerva.Have Fun!  
  
______________ A/N::::: Once again, feel free to use that space to imagine Minerva McGonagall Liplocked to Fawkes the Pheonix.since I've never seen someone making out with a bird, I would not know how to discribe it.so imagine away.  
  
Minverva: Noooo Fawkes.My Love!!! Will I ever see you again? [Fawkes disapears]  
  
~*~ James Potter: God Help me! This is sick! Can we move on to another dare?  
  
Admiral J: Sure Prongsy.You pick the lucky stripper now!  
  
Prongsy aka James: RUBEUS HAGRID!!!  
  
Sirius: PRONGS!!! I'm shocked!  
  
Prongsy: Well.It will be funny. Does this mean im gay?  
  
Admiral J: Shut up, Okay Hagrid.Strut your stuff!  
  
~*~Hagrid's Strip~*~  
  
[Dementor plays the music to Hopelessly Devoted to You, from Grease]  
  
Hagrid starts to Lipsync, and eventually by the time of the songs end, he had managed to strip down to a pair of fuschia boxer shorts that said in bold yellow letters "SEVERUS SNAPE IS HOTT STUFF!!!"  
  
__________. A/N:::Another place to use your imagination, because personally I don't feel like picturing Hagrid stripping..But that's just me.  
  
~*~Hagrids Dare~*~  
  
Remmie: THIS IS SICK YOU DERANGED PERVERT!!!  
  
Admiral J: Yea.actually it is. But hell; I'm bored and need to keep these readers listening while random Harry Potter characters strip and reveal odd undergarments!  
  
Remmie: Ah.Okay well pick the dare then, Addy!  
  
Admiral J: Okay Rubeus Hagrid.I dare you.I double double dare you, to Kill yourself by jumping out this 7 story window onto the Quiddich Pitch Below.  
  
Voldie: HEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE THE LION KING ON A SUMMER DAY!  
  
Hagrid: Eh.'ight, 'oldemort. I 'ever back out of a dare I tell yer, so fer the sake of this fanfiction I'll jump out that window.yonder. [Hagrid jumps and as he jumps you hear] "Sevvie pooh!!! I really do fancy you!!.whoa.what the fuck, I'm a poet!" [Crack]  
  
~*~ Admiral J: Lavender Brown, please pick the candidate you'd like to see strip down to only undergarments?  
  
Lavender: Ummmm..The Dark Lord. Yes you shagadellic Voldie you!!!  
  
Voldie: Oh Behave!  
  
~*~ Voldie's Strip~*~  
  
[Dementor turns on the song; Under the Sea, from the Little Mermaid]  
  
Voldie starts doing a dance that looks somewhat like the macarena, and eventually like the others.he has stripped down into only.yes ladies and gentleman.A blue spandex thong that says "L.E.I. GIRLS" at the hem. He kept dancing and dancing, until Dumbledore threw up, which totally spoiled the mood.  
  
Voldie: You stupid git, that was my big scene. Give me the dare, Admiral.  
  
~*~ Voldies Dare ~*~(A/N.this is somewhat disturbing!)  
  
Admiral J: Voldemort, your dare is.to cut off your trouser snake!!!!  
  
Voldie: Trouser snake whats that!? [Looks bewildered]  
  
Prongsy: Johnson.Dick.Wang.Privates..  
  
Admiral J: Okay.Prongsy, we don't need all the synonyms.  
  
Voldie: Well by golly! I'd be delighted to do such a thing!  
  
Admiral J: "ACCIO AX!!!!" [And ax is summoned and is passed down to Mort] ON tHE COUNT OF THREE MORTY BOY!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: ONE! TWO!!  
THREE!!!!  
  
A/N: Here is where you use your imagination again. Ha Have fun picturing this.disturbing sequence.  
  
[Voldie winces in pain then collapses]  
  
Sirius: I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix.Please deliver.  
  
Admiral J: What was that for?  
  
Sirius: I felt left out, I hadn't said anything of importance in ages.  
  
Admiral J: Suck it up, Black.  
  
Sirius: I da pimp.  
  
Admiral J: I have no doubts, Padfoot. [Listens as Dumbly whisphers something in her ear] Really? [Listens] Okay.Okay guys we have our LAST contestant.Mrs.Lavender Brown!  
  
~*~Lavender's Strip.or Not~*~  
  
Lavender: I refuse. I'll Just take the dare.  
  
~*~ Lavenders Dare.or Not~*~  
  
Admiral J: Whatever Wuss. I dare you.to drink mass amounts of Cyanide (deadly poison if you readers didn't know)  
  
Lavender: I refuse!  
  
Albus Dumbledore: Fine then, bitch! "IMPERIO!!!" Lavender.I command you to drink the Cyanide poison.  
  
[Lavender, under the Imperio spell, drinks the cyanide potion and collapses dead.)  
  
Admiral J: Albus! That was a little drastic.  
  
Albus: [Smiles Happily] No.  
  
Admiral J: Okay, no more of this game for you all.Too violent. BUT.If you readers have a special dare or a special request regarding the strip fiasco, do let me know and I'll see if I can fit that in a bonus chapter or something.  
  
Sirius: What are we going to do now?  
  
Admiral J: I told you to suck it up, Black, and stop acting like a 12 year old cheerleader.  
  
Sirius: [Blank stare]  
  
Admiral J: Well that's been all for this chapter, and believe me I think we've had enough adventures.  
  
Sirius: But.it wasn't random enough.  
  
Admiral J: You have a learning problem. Fine you can do the closing part with me, you idiot. You too Molly!  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Admrial J: I think next time we'll spice things up, with not only suggestions from readers, but we'll be hosting our very own "HELP I'M STUCK IN A HUFFLEPUFF GIRLS DORMITORY! TALK SHOW" Live from the Hufflepuff Girls Dormitrys!  
  
Sirius: Yea.What she said!! AND I will also bring in a special guest. a cattle.  
  
Admiral J: You will not!  
  
Sirius: Will too. His name is Mackenzie.  
  
[They continue bickering for some time]  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Admiral J: Well that's it, for now, and please tune in for the next time we're all stuck here. I'm gonna go give Remus a love potion that'll make him fall for Albus!! Later!!!!! **Salutes** 


	4. Up Close and Personal

WELCOME YET AGAIN TO ANOTHER CHAPTER OF......  
  
...RANDOM HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS THAT SAY RANODM SHIT!!!!  
  
(Thanx to all my reviewers! I'll keep updatin, as long as you keep reading & reviewing!!)  
  
I am your host, "Jasmine", or commonly known as Admiral J! This Episode will be where yes---the trapped characters and I will have a talk show! The "HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN A HUFFLEPUFF DORMITORY!" Talk Show!!! Live, from yes-- -you guessed it! THE HUFFLEPUFF DORMITORIES!!! b (also in this chapter: we take an inside look at the Diaries of the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit!!! And we've got the dirt on them!)/b  
  
Eliminated aka Murdered the Last Round were: Lockhart, Hagrid, And Lavender  
Remaining are: Draco, A Dementor, James Potter, Hermione, Molly  
Weasley, Snape, McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Dumbledore, and Sirius Black. And of course the, er---how can we say it?-------The disabled Voldemort!  
  
LETS GET THE SHOW ON THE ROAD!  
  
~~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~~~~~~****~~~~~~~~  
Chapter Four-Trapped in Dorms and The Diaries of....  
  
Admiral J: [Sits down on four-poster bed] WELCOME! To the RANDOM HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS THAT SAY RANODM SHIT offical Talk Show. We will hear from contestants (aka, those trapped in this dorm) about their personal lives, and you may get an inside scoop on the characters you thought you knew!  
  
Remmie: YOU FORGOT THE DISCLAIMER!  
  
Admiral J: Do you really think I care?  
  
Remmie: I'll sue you!  
  
Admiral J: Fine Fine! DISCLAIMER: If I don't say that JK Rowling owns all of these characters, then Remus Lupin, here, will file a lawsuit on me! So there...I said it!  
  
Remmie: Much better. Procede with the show.  
  
Admiral J: Our first guest here tonight, is none other than the allmighty king of Yougurt flavored Walruses!!!!! Yes Ladys and Gentlemen...Give a big hand for Draco Malfoy!!!!!!  
  
[Draco walks out, from the crowd of Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit, and sits next to Admiral on the bed]  
  
Admiral J: Pleasure to have you on the show today, your highness!  
  
Draco:  
Contigo mi vida  
Quiero vivir la vida  
Y lo que me queda de vida,  
Quiero vivir contigo  
Contigo mi vida  
Quiero vivir la vida  
Y lo que me queda de vida,  
Quiero vivir contigo  
  
Severus: What in the name of hell was that???  
  
Draco: Shakira's song.Whenever Wherever, in spanish.  
  
Sevvie: riiight.  
  
Admiral: So..Dracey Boy...i hear its true that you've been having premartial sex with ping pong tables!!!!?!??!!  
  
Crowd of Shocked Draco fanatics: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Draco: Yes that's right. Theyre sexay!  
  
Admrial J: Okay Draco.you sick boy. Will you be the bridesmaid at my wedding?  
  
Draco: Sure  
  
Admiral J: OKAY LETS HAVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR DRACO KATHERINE MALFOY!!!  
  
Draco: My middle name is not Katherine!  
  
Admiral J: Take this boy away.  
  
Sirius: HEYYYY I'M BORED! I don't want to listen to a bunch of Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit hang around and talk about nonsense that you make them say!  
  
Admiral J: Sorry Black, but my sister here, who read my fanfic said I make you talk too much, and I should give other characters a chance.  
  
Sirius: And you're going to listen to her?!?!?!  
  
Admiral J: For the time being. Sorry, buddy  
  
Albus: So.that's it? No more talk show! We're just going to sit here STUCK WITH YOU, and talk random shit at your will?  
  
~*~*~*~And That's been All for "HELP! I'm Stuck in A Hufflepuff Dormitory!" Live.From a Hufflepuff Dormitory!~*~*~*  
  
~*~  
  
Now More Random Conversations with the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit, Courtesy of Me!  
  
Sirius: Can you please unsilence me now!  
  
Admriral J: What the Fuck!!!???!?!?! How'd you manage to talk!  
  
A Dementor: Hey sexy, why your managing to speak even though the Author cleary said you couldn't..I was wondering.would you like to go to the Three Broomsticks and snog, Siri-pooh?  
  
Hermione: Awe Dementor.That's wrong. That's Just Wrong!  
  
Sirius: I second that. Which is in other words..No Fucking way. [Looks sad] Beards?  
  
Admiral J: THAT'S IT! NO TALKING UNTIL THE END, YOU HEAR THAT BLACK!!! Bloody Hell!  
  
Ron Weasley: Hey! Bitch! That's my signature phrase. Nobody can say bloody hell except for me!  
  
Admiral J: BLOODY HELL BLOODY HELL!!!  
  
Ron Weasley: Sorry =( I'm just a little girl named Poppy who can't find her Easter Basket!!!!  
  
[Ron Dissapears]  
  
Voldie: I just realized, now that Hagrids dead, I got my MOJO bABY!...Hey Everybody! LETS GO STREAKING!!!!!!!!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: NO!  
  
Voldie: Oh wait---I forgot. I don't have any genitals anymore. [Cries then winces in pain]  
  
Remmie: Addy.You need to add more Umph (or is it spelled OOMPH or OOMF?) to your fanfic, something different than the rest. [Turns to readers] ANY IDEAS!  
  
Admiral J: Well I'll call all of you by hugely annoying pet names until you get sick of it, how does that sound Remmie-roo!  
  
Remmie-roo: I really wish you wouldn't.  
  
James Potter: Hey we should play a game guys!!!  
  
Voldie: POKEMON!  
  
Hermione: YOU ARE SUCH A LAME ASS. DAMNIT, YOU MOTHER FUCKER, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WIT YOU, BITCH? CAN"T HANDLE THIS SHIT, FUCKER?  
  
Dumbly: Can we play another game? [Eyes twinkle!]  
  
Admiral J: [Ponders] No. [Summons a large trunk] In this trunk, is the diarys of all the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit. Yes.Their personal diaries. Lets take a look at them, shall we?  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
[Picks up a leather brown journal which had inscribed, James Potter at the top in gold ink] Admiral J: Victim number one.James Potter !!!!!!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit (EXCEPT JAMES): [Laughter]  
  
*******************************************  
  
Date: February 3, 1981  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I'm going through a very hard time in my life, I've found that I indeed get PMS and need to use ..um yes...Tampons. I am ashamed to admit this to even you, diary, for this matter makes me feel like a Loony Toons character on the front porch of some wealthy man's house. I feel confused, and mangled inside, and I KNOW I want to marry Carl, but he just doesn't feel the same way back. (Actually...i've come to realize, I don't**know** anybody named Carl) But, I still want to be with him, there is a intense passion...Shit, I gotta go change my tampon now. I'll write later, Diary.  
  
*******************************************  
  
[All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit ROARED with laughter, (cept for james, who turned around and hit a package of Easy Glide Tampons behind his back) and then I picked the next contestant and smile mischeivously] bAlbus Dumbledore./b  
  
*******************************************  
  
Date: September 4, 1745  
  
Dear Most Precious Diary,  
  
Today was my first day at Durmstrang Wizarding school, and I am eager to begin my service with Lord Voldemort. I personally think he is very....Shagadellic. On the other hand however, I am such an old geezer, that he wasn't even born the day this was written. I have also found out that I am somewhat of a God with the Ladies. I am also a proud sacrifice of the Egyptian Sun God, Amon Re, and wish to be caught dead in a Hawian patterened string bikini.  
  
Much Love, Albusy  
  
*******************************************  
  
Sirius: HAHAHAHAHA! Ablusy, in a bikini! ....... Ladies named Vinnie!!!! HA HA HA!!! VINNIE!  
  
Admiral J: I told you not to talk until the end. Tisk Tisk, Sirius! Fine.Then I guess I'll have to read YOUR Diary. Ladies and Gentlemen, I now proudly present; The Diary of Sirius Black!  
  
Sirius: SHIT!  
  
*******************************************  
  
Date: May 34, 1982  
  
Dear Edgar,  
  
Today will be my first entry writing in you diary, so therefore I decided to give you a name. Edgar. (Yes! Its perfectly normal to name your diary!) But I'm not joking here, I have given serious thought (yes, I realize that is a name pun) into joining a convent. I haven't told Moony, Padfoot (oh wait...that's me) or Prongs about this burning desire. And theres no fucken way im telling Wormtail, because I know he'll betray us in the future and send me to Azkaban. Anyway.It may sound crazy, but I **KNOW** it is my calling to be a nun. Plus, I think I'd look rather attractive in one of those habbits..Hey, maybe if I'm super de dooper lucky I can get Snivellus to join the convent with me, and we can live happily ever after in celebacy until we die! Thanks for Listening Edgar,  
  
Love Always XoXo, Padfoot.  
  
*******************************************  
  
At this entry Siri had turned a bright shade of red and was occupied himself instead by looking through a magazine that said "The Obsessors Guide to Cattle" as the rest of the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit were laughing hysterically.  
  
Admiral J: Okay.who's the next victim of embarassment! Ah..Molly Weasley!  
  
Molly:  
  
*******************************************  
  
Date: June 2, 1986 Dear Diary: .....................  
  
*******************************************  
  
Draco: Riiiight. Lets read someone's diary that actually has something to say! Hey, how about we hear from Hermione!  
  
Admiral J: Ok Ok, but this is the last one, because Admiral J has to go to some picnic with the Parental Units.  
  
*******************************************  
  
Date: December 25, 2009  
  
Dear Crappy Thing that I'm Writing On;  
  
ITS HALLOWEEN! And I have decided that the best course of action to take on this holiday would be to kill my own muggleborn parents then date Draco's father. And I did. The murder was simple you see, I sharpened a large steak knife and slit their throats, then I put on my seductive charms and seduced Luicious until he agreed that I was his bitch. Well I gotta go now, im going to hand this entry into the athorities and get myself in a shitload of trouble!  
  
-Hermione.  
  
*******************************************  
  
Draco: YOU DID WHAT?!??!?!?!, YOU MUDBLOOD!  
  
Hermione: [Giggles]  
  
Sevvie: But what about me! You Always forget me!!! Its NOT fair. I'm going to be voted off because of you, Admiral!  
  
Admiral: Fine, then why don't you help me and Sirius do the closing part of this chapter?  
  
Sirius: Why do I have to!  
  
Admiral: Because you did in the last two chapters and I'm keeping the tradition. Lets go Snivellus! Say something!  
  
Sevvie: Oompa Loompas wear pants.  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Sirius: Okay then. Well next time when you find us in the Hufflepuff Dorms ---SINCE THE STUPID AUTHOR WONT LET US OUT.  
  
Admiral: Now Now, Sirius, would you like me to read another entry in your Diary?  
  
Sirius: [Blushes]  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Admiral: Like he was TRYING to say.There'll be more embarassment, more reasons to pick on them, and more random funness if you stay tuned and keep on reviewing!!! You Won't regret it.  
  
Voldie: I miss my Trouser Snake!!!!  
  
Sirius: Overshare. Okay, well I'm going to look into some convents nearby some cattle!  
  
Admiral J: No your not, your stuck here remember? (A/N: REMINDER VIEWRS: R&R! Please! it would mean a lot to me and the gang!)  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Nods]  
  
McGonagall: STOP THIS! I have an announcement. THE NEXT VOTE OFF IS NOW. You readers will have your opinions to state which character you'd like to see OFF the fic. But also do tell who you'd LIKE to see as one of the top finalists. Of course not all of your votes will be answered because it is possible they can all vary, but we'd like to hear from you anyway! The vote offresults will be announced in chapter five, (the next update!) in an ancient ceremonial way, around a bonfire. A Human Sacrifice will be made. 


	5. Flaming Insanity

Chapter 5 ~*~Flaming Insanity. (THANK YOU TO ALL MY REVIEWERS!!!!!)  
  
Admiral J: Here is the Next Scenario in the RANDOM HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS THAT SAY RANDOM SHIT, Series. So sit tight, grab a seat, and get ready to read about the Bonfire that not only... Well you'll just have to read about it!  
  
Where we last left our heroes: Harry had been long voted off, Lockhart, Hagrid and Lavender were soon to follow. Mcgonagall had snogged Fawkes the pheonix, Voldemort cut off his privates, and the Diaries of Dumbly, Sirius, James and Hermione were read! Now.Its time to have a little roasty toasty bonfire! Alive left are: Draco, Sirius, Dumbly, McGonagall, Hermione, Molly, James, Remus, Voldie, Dementor and Snape.  
  
I'd like to thank my sister for helping me think up the Bonfire idea for this chappie. We were both as bored as hell on a family trip, and thinkin of ideas constantly (Don't worry readers, I'll still take any suggestions you have and consider them!)  
  
(Oh yea.Disclaimer: not that this is nescesary since by now you know that none of the HP characters are mine.I'll say; none of the HP Characters are mine (JUST THE RANDOMNeSS!!)) Snivellus: Enough of the Lame ass introductions: I am Snape. I am a Jailcell. And I am an avid reader of Playboy Magazine!  
  
Draco: That introduction sucked.  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Admiral J:  
  
Sirius: HELLOOOOOO!!!!??!?!?! Uh-Oh! She pulled a Molly on us! LETS MAKE THE BONFIRE NOW, Jay!!!!!  
  
Admiral J: Why did you just call me Jay?  
  
Sirius: Its easier to say. And plus, I figured if I did that, I'd end up getting divorced with an orange plushie elephant toy, that I got from a Super Market vending machine. [Waltzes]  
  
Admiral J: Fine but spell it JAYE, this way its not the same spelling as a guy named Jason. [Shrugs]  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: OKAY!  
  
Jaye: Okay all, come gather around the fire ring.  
  
Remmie: You're making a FIRE, in the HUFFLEPUFF dorms???!?!!?!?! That's not possible!  
  
Jaye: Remus, you really gotta stop, before I decide to sacrifice your sorry ass to the spirit world! Havent you learned, I, the author am capable of all things happening in this story. [Magically makes Remmie turn pregnant!]  
  
Remmie: Awe Shit! I'm expectant. Prongs, get me that number for the maternity clinic.  
  
Jaye: You can't leave anyway, you're trapped. MWUAHAHA!  
  
Hermione: I'm going to throw a monkey wrench into the works!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: WHAT???  
  
Hermione: It's from the Scholastic Dictionary of Idioms. No clue what it means. But lets get this fire started!!!  
  
[All of a sudden a roaring fire appears in front of them, and somebody started playing Frank Sinatra music]  
  
Dumbles: Okay! Who turned on the oldies!!!!! ***SPITS AT JAMES***  
  
James: HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR? You really cooked my goose!!!  
  
A/N: The Author is having much fun with this lovely book of Idioms and such. Hey.The Author says we should all talk in thrid person!  
  
Dumbles: Because Dumbledore was foaming at the mouth.Sorry Jamsie!  
  
McGonagall: Minerva is a nice little pre-teen with a low self esteem! Hey Jaye, Minerva wants to roast marshie-mellows!!! Marshie Marshie Marshie mellows! Minerva and Draco sitting in a tree..K -I-S-S-I...  
  
Draco: That's sick, you have a crush on Draco!!!! Draco likes Venus-725, one of this fics reviewers. So piss of Professor! (A/N: told you I would, thanks for reviewing!)  
  
Remmie: Remmie think that Remmie should seek help about this baby. This is **not** natural!!!  
  
[Hermione, James, Sirius and Dumbly and Minerva start to roast marshmellows]  
  
Osama Bin Laden: HELLO, Taliban Members!  
  
Sirius: [Breaks out in laughter and won't shut up] Whoa.An international terrorist! Here?YAYY!!!!! We aren't part of the Taliban, bud, we are All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit ... but here...have a marshie mellow!  
  
Osama Bin Laden: [eats marshie mellow in a seductive way] So this isn't the Fanfic about plotting against innocent countries?  
  
Jaye: I'm afraid not! But I may have to call W. Bush on you and have him come pick you up!  
  
A/N: This is not meant to be offensive, just havin a little bit of fun w/Osama. I am not anti-patriotic and am VERY PROUD to be an American, and love and support the country. Now I shall continue hoping I don't get yelled at for this. (Plz don't yell at me **puppy eyes**)  
  
Voldie: OSAMA!!!! Shagadellic Baby, I'm Powers...Austin Powers..Actually I'm just a dark lord who imitates him.but anyway, should we shag now? Or Shag later?  
  
Moony: Havent you gotten the concept...YOU DON'T HAVE A DICK! You cut yours off with an axe!  
  
Voldie: [ponders] oh yeah, baby, your right. Naughty Remmie you.  
  
Moony aka Remus aka (Whatever nickname you choose): [rolls eyes]  
  
Osama bin Laden: Well I reckon my Evil Iraqi ass found my way into the wrong fanfic...But thanks for the Marshie mellow. [Dissapears]  
  
McGonagall: Lets have a sing along!!! Campfire songs rock! I shall lead you all in a jubilant chorous!  
  
[Mcgonagall starts to sing!] "Kum bay ya, my Lord. Kum Bay Ya! Kum Bay Ya, my Lord.Kum bay ay!!!" [They all join in]  
  
A Mustache: [Skips up the the group] Hey gals! [he says pointedly at Hermione] Are you from Tenessee?  
  
Hermione: NO  
  
A Mustache: Oh what a shame, because you're the only 10 I see!!!!  
  
Dementor: That's not true [Looks dreamily at Sirius and points] He's hott...Sirius Black; I once again will ask you kindly---Will you go out with me? It doesn't even have to be serious, Sirius! You know just a one time night of adventure and thrill.I'm a good partner really! I LOVE YOU!  
  
Jaye: Dementor, if you weren't already a soul-less dead creature, I'd roast you right now, because that's getting really annoying. You do this every chapter.  
  
Dementor: YES..but me and him are DESTINY. **Sighs dreamily**  
  
Snape: Urgh, please! Like I said before, If I wasn't a bankrupt Chimney sweep, I'd take my father out of the Catholic girls school and send him off to join the Marines.  
  
A Mustache: Youre dad's a catholic school girl?  
  
Snape: Sadly so.  
  
Sirius: Cattle!!!! [Smiles blissfully]  
  
Jaye: Right. Okay, James, the only sane one in this group, help me decide who shall kick the bucket.  
  
Dumbly: Can we kill the mustache?  
  
A Mustache: HEY! Don't think I didn't hear you, geezer. Bring it on!!!!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Oooohhh ahhh. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! **Chant continues**  
  
Dumbly: [Right handed punch to the right side of the 'stache!']  
  
A Mustache: [Kicks the headmaster in the stomache and watches him kneel over in immense pain.]  
  
Remmie: Reality Check. Mustaches don't have legs, nor can they kick.  
  
[Mustache disapparates]  
  
Jaye: LUPIN! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT COMPARING THIS TO REALITY!  
  
Remmie:  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Draco: I think it's about time to start the ancient ritual. The dark secrets of the Sacrifical Flame. Come on, somebody play some mood music, and I'll start the dark tale.  
  
James: [Puts on dark, mysterious music then shouts:] NANCY DREW!!! I SEE YOU!!!!  
  
Draco: Right, Potter.  
  
Now as I was saying, it was a long long time ago, before the invention of sliced bread that little Alberto Rodrequiz was playing with his pet basset hound and violently squirtng it with a garden hose. (Don't question the story, its right because I said so). Then he went to his girlscout pack meeting..they were having a bonfire and telling plesant stories about the "outdoorsman ship badge". Then he stepped into the flames as they engolfed him, as he said the magic word:  
  
[Draco slowed down for the effect.] ..Please.  
  
Then it was all over, and the girlscouts all grew whiskers and ranted on about being feathery peacocks!!  
  
Sirius: [Grabs on to Voldies robes and starts crying] that was the most touching story I have ever heard. This has inspired me to buy an Angus steak and name it VINNIE!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH VINNIE!!! VINNIE VINNIE..  
  
Jaye: That was sooo last chapter. OMG!  
  
Mcgonagall: So Jaye? The Lucky roast-ee will be?  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit (including Molly): I HOPE ITS MOLLY WEASLEY!!  
  
A/N: Of course, Molly did not speak this, she used sign language.  
  
Remmie: can you un-pregnate me, Jaye!!!  
  
Jaye: Sure thing, anything for MoonY!  
  
Voldie: Hey Dumbles..You're a sexy beast!!!!1 ***Winks***  
  
Dementor: [Still chasing after Sirius] Why must thou deny thou love which hath been brought about by thy heavens in thy sky above thee!!! Sirius..[Knocks over a potted plant]  
  
A Potted Plant: I SMOKE POT!!!!!  
  
Hermione: ME TOO!!!  
  
A Potted Plant: REALLY?  
  
Hemione: NO!  
  
A Potted Plant: OH... OKAY! [Dissapears]  
  
Jaye: And it finally comes down to this..[all huddle closer] the Human Sacrifice and the one voted off shall be: MOLLY WEASLEY!!!!!!  
  
(A/N I know I said I'd give people time to vote, but she was annoying, and most probably didn't like her anyway)  
  
[Draco and Snapey embrace together in a warm and inviting hug at the new news!]  
  
McGonagall: Humm..well now that I know I'll live, I wonder where Fawkes has gone too. [She smiles remembering the dare]  
  
Sirius: IM ALIVE IM ALIVE! MY ASS ISNT FIRED. ..ooh a math teacher. Here math teacher...[Feeds Math teacher some Kibbles and Bits] Can we burn the math teacher too.pretty please???  
  
Jaye: Sickening; Black. Terribly Sickening. Of course not. [Hands him a picture of cattle grazing on a farm]  
  
Sirius: [Eyes light up and runs around in circles claiming to be Tom Hanks on drugs]  
  
Voldie: Crikey....i really wish that right now I didn't chop of my genitalia!!! **Cries and Whimpers**  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Points and laughs at the dismembered Dark Wizard.]  
  
Lucious Malfoy Appears  
  
Jaye: I'm going to start putting Last names first! Wahoo!  
  
Malfoy, Lucius: Its way past my son's bedtime, I have come to collect him from this death snare!  
  
Dumbledore, Albus: NOOOO!!!! I LOVE HIM! HE's HOTT!!! [Points wand at Lucius] ((((((((AVADA KEDAVRA!!!)))))))))))  
  
[The elder malfoys dies]  
  
Lupin, Remus: Hey, Granger, Hermione..Wanna snog?  
  
Black, Sirius: That was out of the blue Lupin, Remus! I feel left out..Hey, McGonagall, Minerva...Wanna snog???  
  
Minerva, McGonagall: No!!! Black, Sirius! I love Fawkes!!!!  
  
Jaye (who isnt tellin her last name): Hahahahahahhaha! Black, Sirius was rejected!  
  
Black, Sirius: Oh..Stuff it, you git.  
  
Jaye: Hey...I'm the Author!!!  
  
Potter, James: She's right Padfoot! She could kill you horribly at any moment or turn you into a gay fruitcake who listens to BSB while playing childish games such as M.A.S.H. with their shopping buddies!  
  
Black, Sirius: [Looks scared] Fine..I apologize!  
  
Jaye: Apology accepted. [Smiles somewhat evilly]  
  
A Dementor: So...I say we play a game of hot potato with the remains of Voldie's trouser snake?  
  
Granger, Hermione: that is by far the sickest, most disqusting thing I ever heard in my life!!!! But I'm all for it.  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [All back out of the offer except for Dementor, Draco, and Hermione. The rest are preparing to light Molly aflame, since they had forgotten before]  
  
Jaye: Remmie, are the ropes fastened securely to the stake?  
  
Snape: Is everything free of all mistake??  
  
Sirius: Can I change my Maiden name to Drake???  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Stare Blankly at Sirius]  
  
Sirius: WHAT!!! I Was just trying to rhyme with stake and mistake!!!  
  
Dumbles: Ok.ON THE COUNT OF THREE WE"LL SET THE MATCH!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: 1!!!!!!!!! 2!!!!!!!!! 3!!!!!!!!!  
  
Voldie: Burn Baby! Burn!!! I am one sexy, dickless beast!!!! **Winks**  
  
Molly Weasley (in the fire):  
  
Molly Weasley (Still in the fire):  
  
An hour later, The Dementor proclaimed her dead. A celebration run throughout the land. And Mcgonagalls voice could be heard clearly  
  
Mcgonagall: (she said in a sexy voice) Oh, Prongsy...Its mating season! Lets shag.  
  
Prongsy: (says nervously) Ermm.how about not.How about we just end THIS chapter for right now.  
  
Sirius: I'm supposing you're making me do the traditional closing of the chapter with you, Jaye?  
  
Jaye: You and the rest of the Maraduers. Lets go...  
  
Peter Petigrew shows up  
  
Jaye: DIE BITCH DIE!!! (((((AVADA KEDAVERA)))). Okay.now that Pete is taken care of, Lets close this ceremony! Wahooo! I'm a ordained Lutheran Priest!!!!  
  
Remmie: You could go to Azkaban for that.  
  
Jaye: Its MY story! Now Procede. And I won't.  
  
Sirius: Here's the lowdown on the next chapter and why YOU need to stay around and read and review!!!! I will bring some beer, vodka, firewhiskey, and champange..and we get as drunk as all hell, and see what happens when were all under the influence.  
  
James:.Then me and Moony go join a Church Choir!!!  
  
Remmie: Ummm..no. But.. And ..oh wait.. I have nothing good to say...except you better R&R!!!! (Smiles sweetly)  
  
Jaye: This was a Long Chappie, and I'm sorry about that,(if that's a bad thing?) but DO TRY AND STAY WITH US!!! And remember, you can still vote for your favorites that you'd like to see stay in the fic! Or just give me advice, comments.etc ..etc...  
  
[Jaye and the Marauders wave goodbye!] 


	6. Booze Hounds

Chapter 6: Booze Hounds  
  
A/N: Welcome back, Its Jasmine, aka Admiral J, aka Jaye aka [my real name goes here]. Well I'm ready for another wholehearted episode of wild and crazy Harry Potter characters, saying random shit. Are you? Yes folks! The title says it all..See how they act, and see the crazy things they do..whilst severely intoxicated. Now its time for everybody's favorite part of the fanfictions!!! THE DISCLAIMER!  
  
Jaye: OH YEA, and I'll be on vacation from the 17th to the 26th so chapter 7 will not be up until I come back! I will answer your review requests in chappie 7 since I wrote this one in advance. Now we'll hear a word from.THE DISCLAMIER!!!  
  
The Disclaimer: Hi I am the disclaimer, I don't have a purpose in this fiction, but for the sake of the author not wanting to be sued, I must very well say that she does not own the Harry Potter Characters, but the randomness is all hers. Now sit back and enjoy the show, and remember to turn your cell phones on vibrate, and the consession stand will be open during the show at all times..  
  
Hermione: Shut up! We are NOT in a movie theatre! And why does the disclaimer get a role in the fic?  
  
Jaye: Because I said so.  
  
Hermione: Oh..Okay. So lets get this show on the road. Here are the statistics of the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit; trapped in the dorms:  
  
Dead: Molly, Lockhart, Lavender, Hagrid  
  
Eliminated: Harry  
  
Alive:Me(Hermione), Mcgonagall, Snape, James Potter, Lupin, A Dementor, Draco, Sirius and Dumbly.  
  
Dickless: The most feared; Lord Voldemort ~*~**~*~*~**~**~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~  
  
And here is the OFFICAL start of Chappie 6!  
  
[All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit are awakening from their sleep, as the sun is rising in the night sky..erm I mean morning sky. Voldie however is still wincing in pain calling a help hotline from a muggle phone, to see if there is anyway to re-attach his missing pubic region. Poor Voldie.  
  
All of a sudden Draco barges into the Hufflepuff dorms from the outside door, Sirius at his heels, Sirius was carrying massive boxes of some sort of ...stuff.  
  
Jaye: DRACO KATHERINE MALFOY!  
  
Draco: I told you in the other chapter, my middle name is NOT Katherine!  
  
Jaye: Black, get over here, what are you holding!?  
  
Sirius: Booze, dear Jaye, its Booze and lots of it.  
  
Jaye: Draco! Were you in on this!?!  
  
Draco: No I'm serious,  
  
Sirius: Actually...  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: SHUT UP, BLACK! Damn that's so old!  
  
The Disclaimer: Actually it was my idea. I made Draco here a chicken pot pie, with laxitives in it, which made him want to take a dump really bad.  
  
Draco: Gee thanks bitch. **Gives disclaimer the middle finger**I had cronic diarreah!  
  
Jaye: You **COULD HAVE** used the Hufflepuff Dorm bathroom.[Draco blushes]  
  
Remmie: Booze!!!!! Good one Siri! How much booze!?!  
  
Sirius: Beer! Firewhisky! Champagne! Wine! And I got some Martinis! And Wine Coolers!  
  
McGonagall: Boybands!!! Heheheheheh tee hee boybands! I am in one!  
  
Voldie: Shagadellic baby! Rock on! I went to see you in concert, you are one hot mama!  
  
Jaye: How **did** you get out of the dorm, Sirius?  
  
Sirius: I can posses people.[snickers]  
  
Jaye: You possesed me? Bastard! I'll make sure that wont happen again.  
  
Sirius: VINNIE!!!! CATTLE NAMED VINNIE!!!  
  
Snape: Start making this exciting Jaye, before we all drop dead from boredom!  
  
Dumledore: I'm a high speed fashion diva! **winks**  
  
Voldie: Oh Baby, Be-have!  
  
Sirius: Well what are we waiting for, lets drink some of this alclohol!  
  
Hermione reaches over and grabs a large bottle of firewhisky and a wine cooler, and beings to start drinking them rather quickly.  
  
James: 'Mione, isnt that rather much, snuckums?  
  
Hermione: PISS OFF, TONY THE TIGER! I DON'T NEED TO TAKE THIS SHIT FROM YOU, HOME DAWG.  
  
James: SiRiUS! You got her drunK!  
  
Sirius reaches for champange.  
  
Jaye: Where did you get that?  
  
Sirius: I stole it from some married couple, who were having their wedding reception at a Ramada Inn.  
  
Jaye: What???!!! Oooh but I'll have some all the same.  
  
Dumbles is already on his 4nd beer and is now talking to a coat rack.  
  
Dumbles: Well Mr.Trott, I am very familiar with egotistical koala bears, but I jus not sure I am ready to adopt one and bring into my happy home, right Georgie Bush?  
  
Mcgonagall on the other hand, firmly refused to drink, saying it would only harm her masculine complextion. "I AM A MAN, A BURLY FOOTBALL JOCK!" she proclaimed loudly. Of course she didn't realize that Sirius, Remmie and Jaye had switched her "sparkling white grape juice" with white wine.  
  
Mcgonagall: Now students I know your not all are awares that I am big tough and know how to kick around my stuff but I will whomp you all into little balls of orange pulp [breaks out into giggling fit]. Don't you all come messin with me, because I am ...[faints]  
  
Hermione: Is she ..is she... is gonna be alright, Dracey-Wakey-Pakey-Boy? [she reached for another glass of firewhisky which she mixed with a beer to make an extra potent intoxicating potion] I only hopes that Gonni-gal is peachy keen.  
  
Draco, who had controlled his drinking to only one glass of beer, had managed to slap Hermione, then get her another glass. Making a total of 10. She was now crashing into random walls, and hitting on all the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit.  
  
Hermione: Hey Severus-Leverus-Vevverus-Baby- Bunny- Poo-Poo!!! Lets make mad passionate love until we get arrested by the staff at Blockbuster Video!!!!!  
  
Snape, who was casually drinking with the Dark Lord, discussing inapropriate websites, heard this, he was positivley revolted, and bitchslaped the girl, and continued his discussion with He-Who-Must-Not-Be- Named.  
  
Snape: Yes Yes...i've been to a few in my time. Good websites.  
  
Remmie: I don't mean to ruin the fun, but how do you guys go on websites? We are wizards?  
  
James: Ok, fine I'll be the one to ruin all the fun from now on, Go ahead Moony, enjoy, here take a whisky!  
  
Voldie: Easy. We just break into the muggle houses and use their computers for inappropriate things, and sometimes we check out fanfiction.net  
  
Snape: Do you know I found slash fic about myself and a large Nike duffle bag? I tell you, people have sick minds on there, but some are rather touching ----- I listen to Celin Dion!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Blank stare]  
  
Meanwhile Sirius, Remmie and Jaye were still drinking (casually, somewhat) and Draco came over to join. Hermione was now still procedeing to hit on the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit.  
  
Hermione: Hey hey there sexay Dementor, let us snog, shall we, you over larged gram cracker with polyester stuffing???!!!!  
  
Dementor: Sorry, but my heart belongs to Sirius. [He/it looks at Sirius] Sirius...please, I do not beg much of you, only a token of affection. A drop of love to keep a heart yearning for more. A speck of light in my dark gloomy world. Oh Sirius, just say that you love me and I won't turn into Baby Spice and cause havoc in a historical museum?  
  
Sirius: I may be drunk, but I'm not THAT stupid. NO NO NO dementor. You're just not "my type". There is no chemistry. I think we're better off as friends. I like you, but not in that way. I think you're a blood sucking leech with no friends. I am fond of the name Vinnie.  
  
Jaye: And there you have it ladies and gents, all the ways most commonly used by teenagers scared to express their true emotions.  
  
Jaye: Riiiight. 'Mione, how many beers have you had?  
  
'Mione: 20!!!!! But thankssssss for asking Jason!  
  
The Disclaimer: Sometimes, before I go to sleep, I turn on the soothing sounds of Motzart.  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Blank Stare]  
  
Dumbledore: Okay Okay, Mr.Trott [still talking to the coat rack] I'll consider the boob job, but I don't think I have enough money for the liposuction. However if I eat cans of peanut butter with Smuckers lipgloss on I may be able to accomplish my goal!  
  
Coat Rack: Sir..I believe you're a drunken bastard.  
  
Dumbledore: No. No ways have I had much to drink. I swear to drunk I'm not God! Officers, I see little police officers in black framed eyeglasses!!!!! [throws up, then joins mcgonagall fainted on the floor]  
  
Coat Rack: Hey, you [points to James] Get me a Martini!  
  
James: Sorry, I ruin all the fun. Ask someone else.  
  
Remmie, hearing the cry of the distressed coat rack, pours it a Martini. "Here you go, lad"  
  
Coat Rack: Marry me?  
  
Remmie: Okay! [A/N: Remmie, who had been very excited in actually HAVING fun, drunk 5 glasses of beer, and was dancing on the chess table, had no problems agreeing to marry a coat rack)  
  
That Priest from Chapter 3: Good evening brothers and sisters in the Lord! May I ask that you all settle down as we witness the marriage of this fine couple. I erm...i see we have no problem bringing the beverages..  
  
Hermione: Hello you pretty altar man you..[points to the priest] yes, you in those dashing robes! Lets forget the whole celebacy shit and come kiss me, tough guy!  
  
That Priest from Chapter 3: Dear God on a mountain top! How many beers has that girl drank!?!?! Forgive these sinners, and I beg for your mercy, Lord. My goodness, why you are all helpless drunk bastards.  
  
Sirius: Oooooooooh you said the B-word!  
  
That Priest from Chapter 3: For Heavens sake, let us get this blessed sacrament started. [Halleluia Music plays in the background and the Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit take a seat on the sides as Lupin and the Coat Rack walk down a magically conjured isle]  
  
The Priest from Chapter 3: Our Saviour has not only promised us with fullfillment, but with everlasting love, like the love shared between Remus and this erm..coat rack? However God loves all his children, and sheperding us in his word.  
  
Snape: I listen to Celin Dion Music!!!!!! [Smiles happily]  
  
The Priest from Chapter 3: Blah blah blah (the author couldn't think of anything else to write) I now pronounce you..Man and Coat Rack!--- You may kiss the coat rack!  
  
Lupin draws near to the coat rack and plants a big wet one on somebodys coat it was holding. Awe. It was a bittersweet moment.  
  
The Priest from Chapter 3: Well Children of the Word, I must attend a Baby Shower for one of the Nuns at St. Mary's Cathedral, please do keep your drinking under control, and remember kids...What Would Jesus do? [priest leaves]  
  
James: Moony! You asshole! You just MARRIED a coatrack!  
  
Remmie: Heeheee, its hott.  
  
Jaye: Okay Remmie, I'm going to make you faint now, so I don't have to write about romances with coat racks.  
  
[Remmie faints]  
  
Dementor: Sirius..please, marry me! Whenever I see your smiling face, smiling back at me, my knees shake, and i...i...get butterflies in my stomache, and it feels like my heart has wings and can soar over the world. Don't deny me of this love! Its not my fault I trade baseball cards with women named Miguel!  
  
Voldie: NO way BABY! Me Too! Groovy!  
  
Dementor: I THINK I"LL STRIP!!!!.This is for you Siri-Wiri-Luvvy-Duv!!!!!  
  
Sirius: [Looks extremely disgusted]  
  
Dementor starts playing disco music and dancing obsecenly, until he realized he had no flesh.  
  
[Dementor faints at this realization because the author realized she had nothing better to do with him]  
  
Snape: Ahem...Ahem..Thank you, thank you. There is somebody in this room who makes me feel special, so I wrote a little poem for him, Draco Malfoy, I'm sorry this is turning out slashy, but there are no girls left in this fic and hermione is one drunk bitch. So here Dracey-Wakey..for you my love.  
  
You're the blinding light of my life, The annoying-ass sparkle in my eye. The molded sugar on my lips, And the tear when I cry. With out your endless love, The deserts would be dry. Yes..I realize they already are, But it just sounded nice. Now excuse me, fine lad, But I'm a greasy git with lice.  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Riiiiight. We definatley need another girl in here.  
  
Ginny Weasley: HI GUYS! OOOHHH BOOZE! HAND ME ONE!  
  
Voldie hands Ginny a drink. Voldie: You're looking Groovy baby! I havent seen you since the Chamber of Secrets, looking fab! You sure you don't want to shag with me, baby? I put the GRRRRRR in swinger!!!  
  
Ginny: Hell no. Just give me the drink. Oooh hey 'Mione  
  
Hermione: Oh hello Sandra Bullock! [waves at Ginny who looks confused] Ahahhaha come have a drink with me, hun! You were FABULOUSSSS in The Wedding Planner.  
  
Snape: I LOVE that movie!..but 'Mione, your drunk, you must have had atleast 30 alcloholic drinks!  
  
Hermione: Yeah Sev..[giggles uncontrollably] I don't feels so well.  
  
[Hermione collapses]  
  
Sirius: SHES DEAD! WHY?  
  
Deep Mysterious Voice That Appears out of Nowhere: Because the author is a sadistic bitch!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Aaaahhhh okay. [Return to their drinking]  
  
James: Wahoo!!! 6 beers already, Padfoot!!! This is amazing! Screw this ruining the fun thing! Voldie, you're looking shagadellic! LETS SHAG BABY!  
  
Jaye: That's perverted  
  
James: Well **you** wrote it.  
  
Jaye: Good point.  
  
Voldie: Oh Behave! But on the other hand..Lets go!  
  
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, James Potter left the collected area of Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit to go shag with the man who killed himself and his wife. Um since this is sick, the extremely bored author is going to switch to some other topic, a little bit less disturbing.  
  
Ginny: Hi Draco! I was reading a fanfiction about you and me earlier. Apparently I turn into a carrot named Beatrice.  
  
Draco: Neat. Do I get to wear pantyhose and wear a Burger King Kids Meal bag on my head?  
  
Ginny: Yes.of course. Pass the bubbly!  
  
The wine is passed, and Ginny pours another cup.  
  
Brad Pitt: [Waves]  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Wave]  
  
Jaye: Oh its you again.  
  
Brad Pitt: [Eats a stick of butter, plain.]  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: Ew.  
  
Brad Pitt: [Waves]  
  
Brad Pitt: [Disapparates]  
  
~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~ A Different Scene with a Different Point of View~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~  
  
A/N: This takes place during the sixth year at Hogwarts, along with the rest of the story. Yes I know the dead are raised (Ex: Sirius and James) But you can use your imagination, they can either come back in their middleage forms, or they can be younger like they were in their school days. You decide. It doesn't matter much anyway. On with the story..  
  
Meanwhile, 6th year Gryffindor Padma Patil was walking with her friend Hannah Abbot, who was also a sixth year, but in Hufflepuff. She was invited into the Hufflepuff dorms to study, and was delighted to be spending more time with her best friend Hannah.  
  
The Disclaimer: HI GALS!  
  
Hannah and Padma: Hi disclaimer! Wuts up! Now piss off!!!! Were goin to study!  
  
Hannah: Okay.[she approached the portriat of some disgruntled elm tree and said the password] Stickopotomus! [And they entered]  
  
Padma: Who are all these..these people!!! Ahh its He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! Harry's Father! Ginny?..strange...  
  
~*~**~*~*~*~ BACK TO THE REGULAR STUFF~*~*~*~**~  
  
A/N: I wasn't very fond of writing in their point of view...too dull.  
  
Sirius who had finally stopped drinking saw the two girls enter the room.  
  
Sirius: OH HELLO!!! WELCOME!!!! [he thought to himself 'hehehehe its hunting season!' and he laughed evilly]  
  
Sirius noted that conviently that the very sadistic author gave him a hunting rifle, and made him dress a riddiculus hunter orange vest and green cargo pants that said DIVA on the back.  
  
Snape: Ooooh I have those in pink!!!! [smiles sweetly] I got them at JC Penny 25% off!!!!  
  
Sirius: I"VE GOT THE URGE, TO HERBAL!!!!!!!  
  
Molly Weasley:  
  
Draco: WAIT I THOUGHT SHE WAS DEAD.  
  
Jaye: Yeah she is, just bringing back memories. Sorry, buddy.  
  
Sirius then got an evil gleam in his eye, and he stood up, and grabbed the rifle as he eyed the two confused girls huddled in a corner studing. Yes...they looked like fine prey. And "Hell" he thought "Maybe I'll get a reward of some cattle". So he counted to three, held his breath..then shot the girls.  
  
Ginny: That was awful Sirius!!!!!!!  
  
Sirius: What! What did I do?  
  
Ginny:You Killed those girls!  
  
Sirius: I did what???[he looks down at the rifle in his hands]SHIT. I guess I did. DAMNIT YOU STUPID AUTHOR.  
  
Jaye: HAHAHA, sorry I felt like doing something evil. Sorry Siri!!!!  
  
Sirius: Your forgiven. I hated them anyway. Hey..all...Lets pet some cattle! THEY HAVE NOSES.  
  
Snape: Good! I have a better idea! Lets close this chapter, so the author can stop typing and do something even less important and worthwhile then this?  
  
At this time Voldie and James return.  
  
Draco: Oh good you're back. You missed a lot of sadistic shit.  
  
James: Yes, but you missed a lot of gay slash. I very much so regret doing that with my murderer.  
  
Jaye: Come on, Black and ermm...Ginny! Yes Ginny and Black! Do the closing of the chapter thing with me!  
  
Ginny and Sirius: Okay.  
  
Ginny: Next time our very own poetic potions master...SEVERUS SNAPE, will be mixing potions and giving them to each one of us, to make us different emotions.  
  
Sirius: EMOTION POTIONS! Where all of our emotions are taken to the extreme, leaving room for more insanity and more randomness. And don't worry about Dumbles, Remmie and McGonagall (And Dementor, unfortunatley!!) They'll wake up in time for the next chapter! (Oh..and please someone get me out of here...prefably if your name is Vinnie!)  
  
Jaye: And readers, don't forget to R&R. Keep lettin me know,who should go, and who should stay, and what other obsticals should get in their way! Oh yea and I am sorry about all james and voldie thing, I ran out of ideas, and female characters. Well I hope to hear from you!!!!!!!  
  
Brad Pitt: [Waves] 


	7. SnapeyWapey's Emotion Potions

Chapter 7-- Snapey Wapey's Emotion Potions.  
  
A/N: Welcome back to Random Harry Potter Characters Saying Random Shit while trapped in a Hufflepuff Dormitory with no escape!!!!!!!! Dead (being dead is the same as being eliminated) are: Molly, Hermione, Lockhart, Lavender and Hagrid. Let the potions start a-brewin!!!!Mwuahahaha.  
  
Disclaimer: I will own all the Harry Potter Characters...when pigs can do an exact impersonation of Jackie Chan. AkA, never have, never will.  
  
~~~~*~~*~**~**~*~*~*~~~~~ We last left our heroes, trapped once again in the Hufflepuff dormitories, where they will yet face another challenge. Emotion Potions, brewed by Poetic Potions Master, Severus and Myself, the author. Me and Sev have been working our asses off to come up with a set of odd emotions to put these poor characters through, only to result in massive amounts of randomness, and insured acts of craziness.  
  
Here's the emotion potion match up!  
  
*~*~*Sirius drinks a bubbly pink potion, causing him to fall in LOVE with everybody trapped in the room*~*~*On the other hand, A Dementor is matched up with the blood red HATEFUL potion, leaving it with immense dislike for all in the room.*~*~*Minerva, the Burly Football Jock's perfect matchup is indeed a potion causing her ego to explode....Minnie's gone MACHO*~*~*  
  
*~*~*Dumbledore realizes he is a worthless little fucker when he drinks a potion, making him SUICIDAL*~*~*While Voldie takes a bubbling vile of SONGBIRD potion, causing him to break out in song spontaneously*~*~*While Morty's singin, and Dumbles is slitting his wrists, Ginny will drink a SUSPICIOUS potion, causing her to be paranoid and suspicious of all in the room*~*~*  
  
*~*~*James Potter faces embarassment when drinking an EMBARASSED emotion potion, while Remmie pulls guns on people after drinking the VIOLENT potion.*~*~*And while all this is going on, Draco had drunk the CONFUSED potion, and has not a clue what is going on.*~*~* Snape made himself a Sadistic potion, and I did likewise.*~*~*  
  
NOW..Here's where the REAL stuff begins! ____________________________________________________________  
  
After all the Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit had drank their potions, emotional turmoil started to slowly settle in. It had been a quiet Sunday morning, but once the potions got a hold of them..well, I'm sure you'll find out soon enough.  
  
Dumbly: I really want to get out of here, I miss my job.  
  
Draco: Yeah, and my mum and dad. Oh wait, you killed my father, you bloody bastard!!!!!!  
  
Dumbly: I did, didn't I? Humm.....I hate myself! I hate my life!!! I wish I would die! My life isn't worth anyting. I am an ugly git with no friends. Somebody shoot me!  
  
Draco: There is no way I could possibly shoot a lady named Everest. [Giggles like a small child] Do YOU know the muffin man?  
  
Dumbly: Why I'm sure I do. But why would the muffin man like me? I HATE MY DAMNED SELF AND WISH TO DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH BY BEING CHOPPED UP BY ANGRY POETS.  
  
Voldie: I'm not a girl..Not yet a woman. All I need is time. A moment that is mine, while I'm in between. I'm not a girl..  
  
Sirius: [Gags Voldie, then asks him out to dinner and a movie]  
  
Ginny: It was Mr.Green, in the Kitchen, with the knife!!!!!  
  
Sirius: Ginny, you firey redhead, get over here hottstuff and come to mamma!!!  
  
Ginny: YOUR TRYING MUG ME! HELP HELP RAPIST!!!  
  
A Giant Dancing Condom: [skips merrily] This looks like a job for....TROJAN MAN!!!!! (a/n: thanks silver sun for the dancing condom suggestion! LoL, glad I could add it to the fic, its great)  
  
Dementor: I Hate you, mother fucker, go curl up somewhere and die.  
  
Dumbly: I wish I could. [cries]  
  
Remmie: [Pulls out a shotgun] I could kill the condom for you! Please let me kill the condom?  
  
A Giant Dancing Condom: Will you please stop plotting my murder in my presence! Its not my fault im a Conservative Banker looking for a pair of Moccasins on the Nude Beaches of The Caribebean.  
  
Britney Spears: Hi.  
  
Dementor: You fake son of a bitch.  
  
Remmie: [steals a bow and arrow from a near by Iroquios indian and shoots Britney]  
  
Sirius: Nice one, sexy!  
  
Remmie: [points arrow at Siri, doesn't shoot, then plays a violent video game on a play station 2 that randomly appeared out of nowhere.]  
  
McGonagall: COME ON TOUGH GUY! YOU THINK YOU CAN FIGHT ME! I AM A MUSCULAR SURFER, AND I NEED TO GO TO THE GYM TO STRUT MY STUFF IN FRONT OF A MIRROR AND ADMIRE MY BURLY COMPLEXION!  
  
James: I think I just soiled myself. I'm so embarrased!!!!  
  
Sirius: Awe Jamesy-Wamsey!!! That's so romantic!!!!!  
  
James: I'm too embarassed. Bugger off.  
  
Jaye: Hahahhahah Sev, this is so amusing!  
  
Snape: Yes yes it is. **smiles evilly**  
  
Jaye: You're a real greasy bastard.  
  
Snape: I know.  
  
Sirius: Hey Sevy-Levy-Madonna-Lookalike!!! SNOG WITH ME IN THE FAR LEFT CORNER NEAR THAT RANDOM IGNEOUS ROCK.  
  
Jaye: You should really shut up. You're getting rather annoying, Sirius.  
  
Sirius: Marry me? Then we can go on a Honeymoon to Hades! Wahoo. Hell.  
  
Jaye: No thanks.  
  
That Priest from Chapter 3 and 6: Chilren in Christ, Welcome Welcome! Do I hear wedding bells in the air?  
  
Jaye: Ah, shit no. Go away Priesty-Weisty-Feasty-Robed-Man!!!!!  
  
The Preist from Chapter 3 and 6: [Dissaparates]  
  
Sirius: why did you do that? I was going to get hitched!!!  
  
Jaye: Riiiighhhht. Leave the author alone, and hit on somebody else.  
  
Draco: Sirius!!! HIT ON ME PLEASE! OH I've always wanted to get hit by a bobsledder going fifteen miles an hour whilst holding an immensely vicious bobcat on his lap!  
  
Sirius: [falls asleep with a stuffed animal cattle next to him.]  
  
Dumbles: [slits wrists while writing morbid poetry] "I want to die, crawl up and cry. No daylight shines through the pines of my heavily makeuped eye....and all I can do is sit and wait for the day I die."  
  
Ginny: SNAPE IS TRYING TO STEAL MY POCKET CASH!!!! AHH AND HE IS WITH THE AL QUIDA NETWORK!!!!  
  
Snape: What? I have done nothing of the sort!  
  
Ginny: BURN HIM BURN HIM!  
  
Dementor: Please do! I HATE that bitch!!! Burn burn burn.  
  
Voldie: [sings] DO -a deer, a female deer. RAY - a drop of Golden sun! Me, a name I call myself...FA - a long long way to run! SO - a needle pulling thread... LA - a note to follow so! TEA - a drink with jam and bread..  
  
McGonagall: [Looks in mirror] I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I AM THE MEANEST LEANEST FIGHTING MACHINE.  
  
James: I am embarrased for you.  
  
Remmie: Shall I kill her? I have a chainsaw in my breifcase?  
  
Jaye: Sorry Remmie, not yet. Maybe next chapter.  
  
Dumbles: Yay. We are finally talking about death. Hopefully mine.  
  
Sirius: [Wakes up] Hey Albus, your beard is so very sauve, sleek and not to mention, it really brings out your eyes...Snog with me?  
  
Dumbles: I fear that I have no self-esteem what so ever, and I am a useless little fucker.  
  
Sirius: Oh, okay then. Dementor!!!!!! Lets find a nice seculded spot and talk about our future over a candlelit dinner for two! You are "The one" the love of my life.  
  
Dementor: NO FUCKEN WAY!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [gives Siri the middle finger]  
  
Sirius: [Cries]  
  
Jaye: [Hands Sirius a picture of cattle in swimwear]  
  
Sirius: [Gawks at picture]  
  
James: I cannot believe I soiled myself! What will the "Cool crowd" at school say!!!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [laugh at James]  
  
McGonagall: I'm Better then you are!!!!!! Anything you can do, I can do better.  
  
Voldie: [sings] I can do anything better than you!  
  
Ginny: HELP! EVERYONE HERE IS TRYING TO RAPE ME!!!  
  
A Giant Dancing Condom: TROJAN MAN!!!!!  
  
Remmie: [Takes out a dagger and slashes the condom so its generally useless in any sexual activity]  
  
A Giant Dancing Condom: What did you do that for? I'm offended!  
  
Remmie: I'm violent.  
  
Dementor: [evil gleam of hate in eyes]  
  
Draco: Whats going on!!!???!?!?! Why do I feel like a hysterical honeybee trapped inside the body of Stephen Speilberg???!!  
  
Ginny: Humm...Very suspicious Malfoy. Very Suspicious. I suspect you are a runaway from the CIA.  
  
Jaye: [Laughs at all the confusion]  
  
Snape: I love this.  
  
Ginny: SNAPE!!! I KNOW UR WITH THE AL-QUIDA NETWORK! Give yourself up, or I'll take matters in my own hands.  
  
Snape: I'm not even sure ***who*** the Al-Quida is!!!! What is the matter with you, Weasley!  
  
Ginny: Denial! Liar! [takes a box of matches from Lupin and lights one to Snape's greasy hair.]  
  
_________________________________ (------ that was a moment of silence to mourn the death (or laugh hysterically at the death of Poetic Potions master, Severus Snape  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: [Celebrate] (a/n: sorry snape fans)  
  
Jaye: Right. I think we need a song! Yes....Lord Voldemort, shall you entertain us with a parodic melody.  
  
Voldie: Yeah, baby! I will sing a parody to the song "I WILL SURVIVE" ---- my version.  
  
~**~*~*~**~ VOLDIES PARODIC VERSION OF: "I WILL SURVIVE"~**~*~*~**~  
  
Voldie: [Sings]....  
  
At first I was afraid, I was petrified  
  
But I put an ax to my privates, and then I cried.  
  
Then I spent so many nights Just thinking what I did wrong  
  
But I'm still strong  
  
Even thought I have no shlong.  
  
**  
  
And so you're back, from outer space  
  
When I cut off my dick, you shoulda seen the look upon my face.  
  
I should have changed that stupid lock  
  
I shouldn't have cut off my cock  
  
If I had known for just one second ,I'd never be able to mate.  
  
**  
  
Go on now go, walk out the door  
  
Don't laugh at me,  
  
I don't got a trouser snake no more.  
  
Wasn't I the one, who tried to dismember myself with an ax?  
  
you think I'd crumble?  
  
you think I'd just eat some Applejacks?  
  
Oh no not I, I will survive  
  
Even though I got no dick, hey....i am still alive  
  
I've got all my life to live  
  
And I've got no more love to give  
  
I'll survive  
  
I will survive  
  
Hey hey hey  
  
**  
  
(I, I will survive)  
  
Hey hey  
  
(I, I will survive)  
  
Every day  
  
(I, I will survive)  
  
Oh yeah  
  
**  
  
It took all the strength I had to cut myself apart.  
  
And now I see dismembering myself wasn't all so smart.  
  
And I spent oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself  
  
I used to cry, seein my dick upon that shelf  
  
And you see me, somebody new  
  
I'm not that chained up little person still eating Elmer's glue.  
  
And so you felt like dropping in, and just expect me to be free  
  
But now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who doesn't mind dickless me.  
  
**  
  
Go on now go, walk out the door  
  
Don't laugh at me,  
  
I don't got a trouser snake no more.  
  
Wasn't I the one, who tried to dismember myself with an ax?  
  
you think I'd crumble?  
  
you think I'd just eat some Applejacks?  
  
Oh no not I, I will survive  
  
Even though I got no dick, hey....i am still alive  
  
I've got all my life to live  
  
And I've got no more love to give  
  
I'll survive  
  
I will survive  
  
Hey hey hey!  
  
***************************  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Applause]  
  
Shrek: Get out of my swamp!  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Blank Stare]  
  
Shrek: Oh, right. Wrong movie.  
  
Sirius: Hey...who says ogres aren't sexy? Wanna have kids with me?  
  
Shrek: Are you on drugs?  
  
Jaye: Emotion Potions.  
  
Shrek: Okay then....Im out, like a fatkid in dodgeball.  
  
[Shrek leaves]  
  
McGonagall: I am strong, Never wrong, and all the chicks want me!  
  
Draco: I don't. **Giggles like a school girl** I love Billy!  
  
James: I am embarrased. I soiled myself again, and was caught wearing a bra to my uncle's 50th birthday blast.  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [Blank Stare]  
  
Remmie: [Holds up an shovel in a threatening motion, and knocks McGonagall out cold]  
  
Dumbly: HOW COME NO ONE IS HURTING ME!!!  
  
Jaye: Because you're suicidal and should be doing that yourself.  
  
Dumbly: Oh, yeah. You're right. [Hits himself with a metal mallet]  
  
Voldie: [sings] He was a sk8er boi, she said see you later boi..he wasn't good enough for her...  
  
Remmie: [Shoves Voldie in a styrofoam box to shut him up]  
  
Sirius: Dementor, I had my heart over to you, you are my light and my wisdom. Please accept my love?  
  
Dementor: [Gives Sirius the middle finger again]  
  
Ginny: YOU! Dementor! You wear pink panties!!!  
  
Dementor: I hate you.  
  
James: I am still embarassed, people!!!!! I fricken shop at the girls section in Ambercrombie and Fitch!!!  
  
McGonagall: I shop in Abercrombie, but in the manly section, because that's what men like me do.  
  
Draco: I'm not potty trained, mum! Brrrmmmmmmmmm.....im an otter on a see- saw!  
  
Jaye: Well I'm getting tiresome of writing..so come on Black, help me close this chapter!  
  
Sirius: Only if Dumbles Marries me. [looks over to see dumbles scavanging for pills to overdose on]  
  
Jaye: Don't count on it.  
  
Sirius: Cattle...But aside from that, Next time in Chapter 8, We'll all be de-potionized, and ready to face the next adventure whilst trapped in the Hufflepuff Girl's dormitories!!! THE TOMB RAIDER LADY will be stopping by for Tea and Biscuts, and interviewing some of us...under the influence of Veritaserum. (a/n: Veritaserum! great idea Venus!) And Are you sure that you don't want to marry me Jaye?  
  
Jaye: Most certainly positive. Now stop it before I make Lupin pull a gun on you. [cackles]  
  
Sirius: That's mean.  
  
Deep Mysterious Voice That Appears out of Nowhere: THE EMOTION POTIONS HAVE WORN OFF. NORMALCY HAS RETURNED TO THE DORMS.  
  
Jaye: And let's not forget that **YOU** the reader, can still review me with comments, ideas, suggestions, requests..AND WHO YOU"D LIKE TO SEE STAY ON! Who youre favorites are, and who YOU hate the most. So that's it for now! Come on, Siri! Lets go dispose of Snape's body in Minerva's sleeping quarters!!! (a/n. yes still in the dorm!)  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters That Say Random Shit: [WAVE] 


	8. Trouble With The Tomb Raider

Chapter 9: Trouble With The Tomb Raider  
  
A/N: This would orignally be Chapter 8, but the Authors note took that up, so therefore I skipped chapter 8, and this is chapter 9, which is really chapter, 8. I hope I confused you. LoL.  
  
Disclaimer-----Only the Insanity is Mine.  
  
Where we last left our Trapped Harry Potter Characters, they had been under the influence of Emotion Potions, and one of the Characters had been burnt to a crisp (Moment of silence and/or laughter for Severus Snape) Now that he's out of the way, the characters have a new challenge awaiting them this morning as they wake up.  
  
On a black couch,in the dorm with the Hufflepuff Emblem apparent on the back, sat The Tomb Raider Lady, she had appeared out of nowhere and is to interview your favorite characters under the influence of Veritaserum, so nothing but the truth is told.  
  
She sat and watched as the characters slept peacefully, occasionally chucking cherry cough drops at Ginny's annoyingly red head. Ginny awoke with a scream.  
  
~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~  
  
Ginny: Ouch!!!! [looks at Cough drop] Oh..yum. [Looks up at Tomb Raider Lady]. Hey, who the hell are you?  
  
Sirius: [awakens with the noise] Hopefully her name's Vinnie.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: I'm The Tomb Raider Lady.  
  
Ginny: [who yelled even louder] Who the hell is the Tomb Raider Lady?  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Im some chic from a muggle movie, I save the world and shit like that. I'm goin to give you all Veritaserum, ask you questions, and you are going to give me riddiculusly embarrasing answers, along with a whole bunch of stuff going on.  
  
At Ginny's yells, the rest of the room began to get up.  
  
Draco: Jaye, you bloody bitch, you are going to let her go thru with this???  
  
Jaye: DRACO KATHERINE MALFOY!!! .....actually yea, im the one that planned it, and since you, young lady, decided to call me a bitch, you will be the first.  
  
Dementor: Sirius, please forgive a pleading heart, yearing for the light of your love. Just last chapter you confessed your undying love for me and I turned you down. Oh Sirius, how could I have been so blind. Let us grow old together, we'll have 3 kids, a nice farmhouse and a white picket fence...[fades off]  
  
Sirius: I didn't mean it you oaf. I must have proposed to everyone in the room.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Right. Now Let's get this Interview started. **hands draco some Veritaserum**  
  
Draco: I'm not drinking that.  
  
Jaye: IMPERIO. [Makes Draco drink the potion]  
  
DRACO's INTERVEIW  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Ok Draco-Wake-o-Snake-o-Hunny-Bunch!!!!! Here's your first question. If you were stranded on a tropical island, with nothing but the Host of the muggle show Fear Factor, what other three items will you bring?  
  
Draco: Good Question. I'd have to say, some porno magazines, a chipmunk, and the right arm of my aunt Olga.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: GOOD! How many chicks have you shagged?  
  
Draco: One, it was in a very serious relationship.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: And what was her name?  
  
Draco: Blow Up Betty.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?  
  
Draco: I'd like to have ladie's breasts. I've often watched my mother pick out bra's and have always wondered what it would be like to wear a lacy bra and walk around the streets of London.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: I think you have scarred me for life. Shall we move on to another interview?  
  
Draco: Do your ears hang low? Do they Wobble to and fro?  
  
***All of a sudden Oliver Wood appears out of nowhere and knocks Draco unconscious with a cardboard replica of Tarzan.***  
  
Oliver Wood: Hello Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit.  
  
Jaye: You're hott.  
  
Dumbles: Wow, Oliver..I can't believe how sexy you've gotten since last year. 50 points to Slytherin for your sexiness.  
  
Oliver: Thanks. But im not in Slytherin.  
  
Dumbles: Oh well. It doesn't change the fact that I am a soccer mom who wears moccasins ordered from Outdoorsy catalogs in autumn months.  
  
Jaye: Would you like to stay for the rest of the chapter, Oliver?  
  
Oliver: Sure. [smiles]  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Our next interviewer will be: REMUS LUPIN!!! Step on up my studderific werewolf!!! Give him Veritaserum.  
  
Lupin drinks the veritaserum, and anxiously awaits the next question.  
  
LUPINS INTERVEIW  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: If you weren't a werewolf right now, and could choose the thing you could turn into, what would it be?  
  
Lupin: [ponders a moment] I'd have to say a brunette salesperson at Ambercrombie and Fitch.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Thought provoking, Remus, Very. So...Whats this I hear about you dancing around in Muggle clothing and calling your mother Harrison Ford.  
  
Lupin: For you're information, my mother **is** Harrison Ford.  
  
All of A Sudden Harrison Ford enters the Dormitory.  
  
Harrison Ford: [Looks at Lupin] Son???? Is that YOU!!!! Oh! I haven't seen you in so long.  
  
Lupin: Mum!!!! I missed you.  
  
Siruis: Awe. Kodac Moment. Lets throw a Barmitzfa party!  
  
Harrison: Look, since you're not busy..[spots Oliver Wood and says:] Dang, you're a cutie. [then turns back to Lupin] Maybe we can grab a cup of coffee whilst remenising on the good old days?  
  
Jaye: Sorry Mr. Ford, your son cannot leave the dorm, its just the rules of the fanfiction. **shrugs** hey.Tomb Raider Lady, can you please finish up the interveiw with Lupin so we can move on to other.  
  
Voldie: I haven't said anything yet!!!!!!! Look its just not fair, I miss my penis. **whimpers**  
  
Hagrid: I got yer Mojo. I got yer mojo.  
  
Volie: I thought you died.  
  
Hagrid: Oh yea...i did. [goes back to being dead]  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Ok Lupin, I've finished with you. You're a  
rather odd person.  
The next person to be given veritaserum and asked fairly normal  
questions, to be answered riddiculusly  
is, A DEMENTOR. And after this, I give away free Spandex bodysuits to  
2 lucky people, and they are  
FORCED TO WEAR THEM the whole chapter.  
  
A Dementor's Interview. (dementor drinks it's Veritaserum)  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Okie Dokie Menty-Wenty-Cuddle-Bear!!!! In terms  
of you're love life...have  
you ever been married? Had a girlfriend?  
  
A Dementor: Oh Tomb Raider Lady-- How could I possibly have a  
girlfriend or a wife, when I  
**KNOW** Sirius is THE ONE. We are destined to be together, it is  
written in the stars. See....i have  
a whole collection of pictures of Sirius.  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit look at the  
shoe box full of pictures of Sirius.  
  
Sirius: Dementor you sick pervert!!! I have spotted atleast 5 nude  
pictures!! How did you get those?  
  
A Dementor: [holds up the key to Grimmauld Place] I rigged your shower  
with cameras. [smiles evilly]  
  
Sirius: DAMNIT!!!!!! I feel violated.  
  
Oliver: HEY!!! Why are there nude pictures of me in your box,  
Dementor??!?!?!  
  
Dumbles: Oops sorry, those belong to me. [blushes] Don't know how they  
got in there. [blushes again]  
  
Oliver: Headmaster! That's sick!!!  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: May we please procede with the interview?  
  
A Dementor: Sure.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: If you could have anything in the world,  
what would it be?  
  
A Dementor: Siri!!!We'd shag like mad.  
  
Sirius: I would do nothing of the sort. I am not into creature-  
sex nor homosexuality.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: I shouldn't have even asked. GREAT! Now  
I'm a handsome little troll who wears  
lady's plus size trousers.  
  
James: May I please be interviewed?  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: No.  
  
James: Can we do the drawing to see who gets the spandex?  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Yes.  
  
James and Voldie: Let's snog!  
  
[James and Voldie snog]  
  
Lily: Ew.  
  
Lily: [Dissaparates]  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: I AM THE TOMB RAIDER LADY.  
  
All Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit: No kidding.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: And the winner of the purple sparkly spandex body suit is..ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!!! Congratulations Albus! Step on up!  
  
Albus all of a sudden is be-rid of his robes, and now standing before everyone in a dazzling hue of lavender, glittering from head to toe. "I feel pretty, oh so pretty...i feel pretty, and witty and.....oh man im a sexy bitch.  
  
Tons and Tons of Albus Fangirls: OOOHHHHH Albusy in spandex! Gorgeous!!!  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: The next drawing for a grey spandex bodysuit, with a pink strip along the sides, and words on the back that say PRINCESS, Goes to... **moment of silence** MR. SIRIUS BLACK!!!!!!!!  
  
Sirius all of a sudden is be-rid his robes as well, and found himself standing next to Dumbles wearing an embarrasing display of Spandex. "Note to self: Never drink tap water at Jerry Garcia's" Sirius said wisely. (a/n, that quote is from some playstation game, the gex)  
  
Mcgonagall: Will I get to talk?  
  
Jaye: No.  
  
McGonagall: Why not?  
  
Jaye: Because we are going to kill you horribly in the end because some reviewers want you out of the fic.  
  
McGonagall: Oh, Okay.  
  
Ginny: Please interview me, so I can say stupid stuff. [drinks Veritaserum]  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Okay.  
  
GINNY'S INTERVIEW  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Out of all the people in this room, which one would you most like to shag?  
  
Ginny: Oh! That's an easy one! I'd have to say, You Dumbles, because you look irresistable in that girlish spandex. I WANT you.  
  
Dumbles: [blushes] 50 Points to Slytherin!  
  
Ginny: But im not in Slytherin  
  
Dumbles: Another 50 points awarded to Slytherin. [turns to Ginny] I don't care dear, its just fun awarding them points.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Right. Okay Ginnikins, Have you ever raped your brother, Charlie?  
  
Ginny: Occasionally, when theres nothing else to do.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: How about your father?  
  
Ginny: That's nasty. But sometimes Bill, or George.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Sickos. Lets have a water gun fight.  
  
So at that the Random HP Characters and The Tomb Raider Lady have a water gun fight. Most survived...but McGonagall was near death, blood was seeping everywhere, she lay on the ground, her water gun broken, down at her side. She looked up at a perplexed Draco and said "Draco...when I leave this world, take care of my children, and tell my husband I love him."  
  
Draco: You're not married you dingbat.  
  
McGonagall: Oh right. Well than can you just stab me with something sharp so I die quicker and the authoress can move on with the story?  
  
Draco: Ok, if you insist. **stabs mcgonagall**  
  
A Dead McGonagall: Much Better. BATMAN.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: We have time for one last interview.  
  
James: Please me.  
  
Voldie: Come back, were not done snogging, you shagdellic babe.  
  
James: Sorry.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Fine, HERMIONE GRANGER.  
  
A Dead Hermione: I'm dead.  
  
SIRIUS'S INTERVIEW  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Oh right. Sorry. Then I spose all that's left is Sirius Black. Here..Drink you're Veritaserum.  
  
Sirius drinks the potion and all of a sudden goes crosseyed.  
  
Jaye: Sorry, just havin some fun [makes Sirius un-crosseyed]  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: What is your most embarrassing moment?  
  
Siruis: I would have to say at the Yule Ball. I had apparently been brainwashed into wearing pink courderoy overalls and calling myself Little Farmer Judy. Of course this had been in the presence of the whole school, and needless to say my date left me, to dance with Mr. Trott, the coat rack.  
  
Mr.Trott the Coat Rack: Yes, it was memorable. She was a babe, Siri. Too bad you acted like a farmer's daughter.  
  
Sirius: Yeah yeah...rub salt in my wounds, you git.  
  
Mr.Trott the Coat Rack: I resent that. [sees Remus] AWE LOOK ITS MY SPOUSE.  
  
Remmie: I can't believe I actually married the coat rack. Anyway Tomb Raider Lady, procede in interviewing Padfoot.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: Do you find me sexay, Sirius?  
  
Sirius: Actually, I don't know you as a person, but I spose if you bribe me with some cattle, then I will say you are.  
  
The Tomb Raider Lady: [Breaks down and cries] I'll never forgive you. You've broken my heart. [dissapartes]  
  
Jaye: Good one, Black. You scared the annoying muggle away. [High Five]  
  
Voldie: Scott..come here. I have an evil plan. [puts his pinky to his mouth.]  
  
That Scott Guy From Austin Powers: Where am I?  
  
Jaye: In the Hufflepuff Girls Dorms, you stupid muggle.  
  
That Scott Guy From Austin Powers: Oh okay.  
  
Voldie: Lets go son, Mini Me...leave Scotty alone. Lets do the closing part.  
  
Sirius: Now Now Morty, that's my job.  
  
That Scott Guy From Austin Powers: Not anymore mwuahahahahhaha. Im evil like you father!  
  
Sirius: [points wand at That Scott Guy From Austin Powers] AVADA KEDAVRA.  
  
That Scott Guy From Austin Powers: [kneels over and dies]  
  
Sirius: Yay [Smiles Blissfully] Now I get to do the closing.  
  
Jaye: That was uncalled for...  
  
Voldie: You killed my son......**Tear**  
  
Sirius: Next time,We get tatoos, and Jaye brings in a penseive for each of us, where we relive the WORST days of our lives.. HEY! WAIT!!! THAT'S NOT FAIR.  
  
A Cattle: [Wanders in]  
  
Sirius: [Gets all watery- eyed] Hey little bugger!!! [pets cattle and feeds it a ham and cheese crossaint]  
  
James: JuST wait and see all of our isanely embarrasing, humiliating, but downright senseless nightmares come true.  
  
Jaye: And Don't forget, to R&R because your opinions, comments, requests and just plain old insanity matters to us and the gang. Now if you excuse me, I am going over to visit the meandering cattle, and try and pry Siri away from it. **Waves**  
  
Deep Mysterious Voice That Appears Out of Nowhere: YOU BETTER R&R..Yeah..that green button below you, press it, review....erm yeah..Bye. 


	9. Unleash The Epilouge

Chapter 10: The Epilouge  
  
SORRY THIS IS THE ***LAST*** CHAPTER, BUT FEAR NOT, THEY"LL BE A SEQUEL.  
  
A/N: U Guys Wanted the Stats of those Dead/Alive back. Ok here they are:  
  
DEAD: Harry(actually eliminated), Lockhart, Hagrid, Lavender, Molly, McGonagall, Hermione and Snape  
  
ALIVE: James, Siri, Remmi, Ginny, Voldie, Dementor, Dumbles and Draco  
  
Visiting: Oliver Wood  
  
Disclaimer- Hi am the Disclaimer, I am back again to have another EXCITING role in this chapter and to inform you, that JAYE does NOT own any of the HP characters, but ur sorry ass should have already known that.  
  
The Random Harry Potter Characters that Say Random Shit, were congregating in the Hufflepuff dorms, also on account THAT THEY WERE TRAPPED there, and were discussing polotics with the Disclaimer and Oliver Wood, unsure of what the author, (JAYE) would have in store for their sorry asses.  
  
Draco: Are we going to get a move on with the Tatoos and Peinsives?  
  
Disclaimer: No. Actually Jaye has told me otherwise. Sad news unfortunatley.  
  
Sirus: **Cries**  
  
Jaye: Shut it, Black. Well, this is basically just summing up what happens to you all, and who will be moving on to the sequel. Lets get the show on the road.  
  
~*~*~*~*~ WHAT HAPPENS TO UR ALL TIME LOVABLE CHARACTERS~*~*~*~*~ (A/N sorry about the caps, I don't know how to do the BOLD letters or ITALICS, can somebody tell me?)  
  
-What they did AFTER the First fic, and BEFORE the next one-  
  
GINNY WEASLEY, celebrated in a mad fit, then went to rape her brothers before returning for the next sequel. She was also charged in court for sexual assault, but preformed a strip tease for Cornielius Fudge, landing her a job as a stripper at a Gentleman's Club in London.  
  
~*~  
  
Meanwhile JAMES POTTER seeked medical attention for his erm...PMS...and will not be returning for the INSANITY OF UNTRAPPED CHARACTERS. He did however send his best regards to all those participating then ran off to buy more tampons. He joined Boyscouting.  
  
~*~  
  
VOLDEMORT somehow managed to reattach his GENITALIA, therefore causing him to break out into spasams of relief and utter joy. His manhood had returned to him. He delightedly agreed to return for the Sequel, because who doesn't love the OoC Dark Lord who cuts off his penis then sings about it? He now teaches Sex-Ed at Durmstrang as a day job.  
  
~*~  
  
On the other hand REMUS LUPIN, the resident werewolf got a divorce with MR.TROTT, which was frowned upon by THAT PRIEST FROM CHAPTERS 3 AND 6. However, his newly single and studderific self is planning to make a fulltime appearance in the INSANITY OF UNTRAPPED. Relieved to be out, he has enjoyed humming the TWO WEEKS NOTICE SOUNDTRACK and skipping merrily on 34th Street with his MOTHER, HARRISON FORD.  
  
~*~  
  
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE died in an unfortunate incident involving a butchers knife and HANNIBAL LECTER. We will miss him dearly and can assure you that his corpse will not be returning for the Sequel. He died holding a picture of the ever so nude, Mr. Oliver Wood.  
  
~*~  
  
SIRIUS BLACK was extremely happy to be free from the dorms and now works part time on a CATTLE RANCH, and will be returning for the next sequel mostly because the reviewers would kill me, and Sirius is a cool character. Therefore, he has no choice. He often finds those 'hidden cameras' lurking in his shower, causing him to one day explode and eventually hang A DEMENTOR from a NOOSE in the backyard of Grimmauld place. THE TOMB RAIDER LADY and SIRI still keep in touch VIA email, until he murdered her, just for sport.But don't worry Siri, we'll all love you anyway.  
  
~*~  
  
A DEMENTOR, as stated above will not be returning due to the circumstances.  
  
~*~  
  
Sexy, Suave, Quiddich boy OLIVER WOOD, may have a lead role in the next sequel but is undecided. Let me know what you want, reviewers. He will ever remain Sexy and Sauve, and violated by Dumbledore.  
  
~*~  
  
DRACO MALFOY, resident hottstuff of SLYTHERIN will be returning, because people think he is RESIDENT HOTTSTUFF OF SLYTHERIN. He spent most of his time after this fic chasing muggle ice cream men with chain saws and dressing up in DRAG. GO DRACO! GO!  
  
~*~  
  
And of course, JAYE will be returning with a fresh batch of Insanity and Randomness. However she is otherwise occupied with STALKING HER HOTT HOTT HOTT CRUSH, and erm....school. Okay, fine, thinking about her hott hott hott crush. Updates may not be as frequent, and I dunno when the sequel will be up and running. Its been a pleasure writing THE INSANITY OF TRAPPED CHARACTERS, and I hope all my WONDERFUL WONDERFUL reviewers will stay loyal and hang on for the Sequel. (HINT HINT..)  
  
Don't worry, there'll be some new characters as well, and more chances to vote off the new (or old) ones that YOU dislike. So for now....BUHBYE AND THANK YOU SO MUCH! REVIEW THIS LAST CHAPPIE AND TELL ME IF U HAPPY WITH THE RESULTS OR WHO YOU"D LIKE TO SEE ON THE NEXT ONE!!!!!! ^_^  
  
-Lotza Luv. . .Jaye- 


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